Scars of Infertility

This post has been tumbling around my brain & heart for a while. As this is National Infertility Awareness Week, I thought I’d try to type out my hearts musings into {hopefully} complete thoughts.

We are now on the other side of infertility, yet that doesn’t mean the stings of it aren’t still there. I still feel stings when pregnancies are announced. My first thoughts thankfully are now celebratory. But I’m willing to admit there’s a brief sting underneath if the pregnancy was ‘accidental’ or happened easily or ‘without trying’. I’m oh so happy for my friend yet mourn a little that wasn’t our experience.

I feel stings when I think of us as being considered older parents. We’ll be in our 50s & 60s when Z & L are in college. Still youngish & we’re hoping that those two keep us spry.

I feel the sting when I grieve over Lucy not being able to meet her namesake, my Ma who passed a year before we became pregnant. I was able to share with Ma my plan to carry her name onto my future daughter. And we celebrated our Lucy meeting the nurses who helped my Ma Lucy die gracefully in the nursing home a couple weeks ago in Charlotte.

The scars of infertility cut deep. Deeper than the bruises from past needles. Deeper than my stretch marks from Lucy & Zach. The scars are sunk way down deep in my heart. Thankfully, sometimes so deep that sometimes I now go weeks without thinking of myself as being formerly infertile.

But the old ache remains. Reminding me how far we’ve come from those sad, desperate days where we wept & drank & ate to make up the the fact that I was seeing red cycle after cycle when I dreamed of seeing pink lines. Reminding me that our journey to parenthood took time & hard work & more money than we’d imagined, yet the results were worth it all in the end.

The scars & ache of infertility remind me that if our journey to a baby had been short, if it had been easy, we wouldn’t have had the chance to grow as a couple & Lucy & Zach might not be our Lucy & Zach. And we’d never trade that out for those 22 cycles of heartache.

My friends still fighting the infertility battle, there’s wonderful life on the other side. There’s also hope in my heart that the gift of motherhood will be blessed down on you somehow. That you not berate yourself for things beyond your control {that one’s so hard}. My scars might be healing, my stings are light comparatively, but I’ve been there. I can still relate.

I reach out on this NIAW wishing that the scars my fellow infertiles are enduring not cut so deep & with the hope they’ll be taken away or lessoned by good things in life.

Triangle Mom 2 Mom

I know I just linked y’all to where else I’ve been on the interwebs yesterday. But I have another one today. When it rains good things, it pours right?!

I was contacted by a lady from the local Raleigh newspaper’s Triangle Mom 2 Mom blog a couple weeks ago. They wanted to feature me & Suz’s Treats today. I answered her questions & boom, Meet Suz is the featured story on their blog & is listed on the newspapers website too.

::feeling famous for a day::

One Year Ago Today

All weekend long, my husband & I reminisced. Because the first Saturday in Oct 2011 {after I wrote about being more brave & more scared than ever before}, something{s} special happened.

Exactly 365 days ago today {around 8a actually}, I had an IUI done. It rocked our world. And it took me ten days to gather & share my thoughts on it. And then six more days before I POAS & learned that cycle 23 of our TTC struggle was a success. And I could only keep my positive pregnancy results a secret from y’all for eight days. October will always hold a sweet place in my heart.

What a difference a year makes. Today, tonight, I will hold my babies tight. My one-year-ago-self never imagined, couldn’t fathom this joy.


I was reading Dr Luke’s book a little more this past week & something I’ve been mulling over, feelings I’ve been pushing down, were mentioned. Mentioned as being absolutely normal. She said the feelings post-hearing “its triplets” mimic the grieving process {you know, shock, denial, anxiety, acceptance}.

Y’all know we are thrilled, oh so thrilled about our babies on the way. I think we’ve both gone through those range of emotions & gotten to the other side. The acceptance side. But I have been grieving the loss of a few things & experiences I will now never have. Some of these might seem silly or selfish, but it’s what I’ve been working through. I want to remember what I was feeling & I’m guessing I’m not the first or the last multiple-mom-to-be to feel this way.

Most recently, especially while reading the chapter on delivering triplets, I’m feeling sad that I will never go through vaginal birth. Y’all know my crunchy side keeps growing. I’ve always wanted to vaginally deliver my future children. After see Ricki Lake at BlogHer & watching the Business of Being Born, I feel even more strongly about it. Home birth. That’s a little more crunchy than I could go but hospital vag birth with hopefully minimal drugs, that was my plan/dream/hope. Until I heard the word triplets. So now I’m getting more & more used to the word C-section. I know its completely best for our situation & that really all that matters is that our babies come out quickly & safely.

We aren’t rolling around in money. Never have & certainly won’t be anytime soon. But as DINKS, we’ve been able to afford most of what we want when we want it, especially since we both love sales & finding a good deal on high quality items. Since hearing & processing the word “triplets”, we’ve both noted that our spending priorities will {& already has} changed.

My husband is selling the track car he bought & fixed up earlier this year. It won’t fit our growing family & it’s payments & insurance are higher than we need to incur. He’s also been selling off his video game collection & accessories of it that he knows he won’t have as much time for once the trips arrive.

As for me, my shopping “needs” have gotten a kick in the butt. I’m so thankful that friends passed down a bunch of maternity clothes to me. Unlike a lot of my female friends who purchase great quality maternity clothes {read expensive} they will wear through multiple pregnancies, this will be my only pregnancy. While I have bought a few work quality clothes {on sale at Gap or Loft}, I haven’t & don’t see a point in spending a lot of money on things I’ll only wear for 6 months.

Same goes for buying for the babies. While I didn’t imagine my future baby would be decked out in designer latest, I thought I’d probably have a few Lilly outfits for photos. Or splurge on a few baby items. Now I’m focusing on what’s really necessary versus want. We’ve gone with fairly basic Walmart cribs & Target crib sets. The dresser/changing tables are some of the least expensive at Buy Buy Baby & our glider will probably come from Target. While I’ve registered for a few more expensive baby products, I’ve weighed that with how much use we’ll get out of them & how in some areas, price does mean quality.

I’m resigning myself to a future life without the latest designer purse, dress or jewelry. They’re not needed. I’ve actually stopped reading some of the fashion blogs I used to follow & unsubscribed from some stores daily emails. Not necessary or fitting in with my life as a triplet mom.

This will probably end up a two-part post. I’ve word vomited out enough for today, but as our lives & priorities continue to change, I’ll update.

Infertility & Marriage

This has been on my mind this week. You know how “they” say, “distance makes the heart grow fonder”. It’s true. Three weeks away from husband in the past five weeks & he’s worked those weekends that I have been home. I’ve missed him & am glad we have next couple weekends together.

That said. What I’ve really been thinking about is how infertility, really TTC in general, changes a marriage. Some of the changes are good. Some are
bad. Some are just changes.

I’m less naive & maybe more cynical. Husband has always been a bit of both. I guess we now mesh well in that area.

There’s times when I look at Jason with Moekitty or around other kids & my heart swells with love & bursts with sadness that I haven’t been able to give us that future baby yet.

Infertility has forced us both to be patient. We knew things happen in God’s time, not ours, but it’s the working through months of waiting & trying that test that mindset and is something that’s been in my thoughts & prayers a lot recently. We learned to be patient with each other, with doctors, with our bodies & what they do or don’t do.

There have been times I look at Husband as the “giver of the buddies” more than the beloved husband. He’s good at calling me on that one ~ and I’m glad when he does & snaps me back from being that infertile-zilla {you know, like a bride-zilla but for the wanna-be-baby-maker}.

Infertility has made us speak more deeply. About our future hopes & dreams. About our ideas in baby-raising. About finances. About just how far we’re willing to go to have a child. Tough conversations but oh so important ones.

These & all the over changes I’ve mistakenly left off this list will make it even the more sweet when that long awaited BFP occurs.

I missed last Friday as an Infertile Friday {I was a little busy at my brother’s wedding}. So I’m calling this Infertile Monday. How is/has/did TTC &/or infertility change your marriage?

Post-IUI Two Week Wait

I haven’t posted at all about my IUI since my pre-IUI Infertile Friday. I haven’t responded to any of the sweet comments from that post because I couldn’t without crying. I so felt the love that Friday & Saturday & as always, am so thankful for the e-support.

I’m both at a loss for words {maybe a first} & have been a bit overwhelmed at knowing where to start typing about my IUI & feelings since. This will be rambling, but it’s my blog right, so I can ramble here?!

Last Saturday morning {before the family football fun}, Jason went to the RE & did his thing. I arrived {with my mom as my driver} about an hour later. I was taken back to a small room, & while Mom offered to go with me to hold my hand but I ultimately decided that’d be too weird. I was thrilled to see one of my favorite nurses walk in. I was already put at ease just knowing it was her doing it. I signed the same forms under my husband’s name & was told everything looked great with 45 million freshly washed sperm.

The procedure itself was more painful than I’d heard, but after my experience at the cervix dilation I was afraid it would be. I clenched my teeth & fists as she finally found the opening & insert in the catheter. It didn’t take very long {maybe a few minutes?} before she was done & we were chatting. She answered my questions: that it was fine for me to go to the game & walk around, to take Tylenol for the cramps that would happen {they sure did}, that the sperm wouldn’t leak out but to wear a pad because the pink liquid they wash them in might leak {it did}, that I might spot a little & that was normal for all the poking around she’d done {I did}. She said the sperm would find there way & the connection would happen within three minutes but she had me stay laying down for 10-15 minutes.

After I got up & redressed, I paid my $$$ & met my mom in the waiting room. I was very thankful that she was there to drive me home {Jason had to go straight from his appointment to work} as I was too uncomfortable to drive. We were home around 9 & luckily for me, the tailgaters weren’t arriving until 11:15 so I spent about an hour & half on the couch in my yoga pants & Tshirt before having to change.

How have I been feeling in this past week or so? Good. The cramping from the IUI itself went away by Saturday afternoon & I was all better Sunday. I did the Ovridrel booster shot while I was in Edenton last Tuesday & began the progesterone last Monday. I’ve been feeling a little bloated, but I can’t be sure if that’s from all the food I ate last week, from the booster Ovridrel or from possible future baby. I’ve also had sensitivity in my breasts which is a little normal for PMS time but I’ve never experience to this degree {it was painful trying to run & I’ve been woken up by it at night if I’m on my stomach}. I felt a few twinges in the middle of last week. Implantation? Gas? I’ve been kinda light-headed or queasy if I don’t drink enough water or wait a long time to eat.

Are these early pregnancy signs? Yes. Am I a bit paranoid & over-analyzing every little thing? Also yes. Time will tell sooner than later as this 2WW should end soon.