That should be the theme for the last twenty TTC cycles: expect the unexpected {yes, I’m borrowing Big Brother’s theme & don’t hate, there’s not much on TV in the summer}.
I’m not trying to sound pretentious when I say that things have typically come pretty easy for me. When I’ve wanted something, with a little hard work, I usually have gotten it. Of course I’ve had ups & downs & the usual drama of life, but over all I know {& appreciate} that I’ve had it good. HS, sports, college, husband, work, friends; yep, all there. Based on that & our genetic history, I went into TTC thinking this would follow the trend & be fun & quick & easy with just a little work. Not so much. If I’ve learned anything in these twenty cycles it’s that I’m not in charge, I’ve gotta be patient, & I’ve gotta throw my expectations out the window.
I like being in charge. I like knowing what’s next. I hate surprises {take note bc the big 3-0 is coming soon}. I love making plans & lists & filling in a calendar. All of these things do not go well with TTC & infertility. Infertility means never being in charge. Your body & God are making all the moves. I’m just trying to keep up.
Within the last couple of weeks, I’ve found myself getting snappy at work. Annoyed with any interruptions; even the normal this-is-part-of-my-job interruptions have made me lose patience & get frustrated. I know this has nothing to do with the agents that are calling me or the coworkers talking about their children. It’s me. Wanting what I don’t have & losing patience that it’s not ours right.now. I’ve been going to God recently for patience. {I promise I’m not trying to turn this into an annoyingly religious rant} but just a quick {inside my head} shout out for patience calms me. That & a glass of wine once I’m home at night.
I expected we’d have a baby by now. Hell, I even though we’d have a toddler by now. Instead this morning, after a weekend of follistim injections, I had my cycle day 10 ultrasound. Last cycle, at this same day’s ultrasound, I had six visible follicles, did one more night of follistim along with antagon then ovidrel the following night. I was expecting something similar. Instead this morning’s US found I had one really big follicle {22.5} as well as one smaller one {14} on my right side & nothing on my left. The tech said ovridrel tonight & ovulation Wednesday morning. The antagon I spent $50 on last week is not being used. The extra 600 IUs of follistim I expected to need {& that cost $100} sit unopened in my frig. I don’t need them for this cycle, but I’m holding on to both for now. Thinking, hoping, praying I won’t need them next month but who knows. I’m learning to expect the unexpected.
10 replies on “Expect the Unexpected”
I have been reading for a while and we gab on twitter but when I read this title, because I LOVE BIG BROTHER in the summer, I wanted comment if only to say hang in there. Our first was not the easiest, not the hardest by any standards, but I will tell you that the hardest thing was to have faith, believe, and keep living life. I found myself asking 1,000,000 questions and when I stopped worrying and continued smiling and laughing and ENJOYING everything I had, I got pregnant! I love your optimism on twitter and I think we would be good friends IRL. (That was not meant to be creepy!) Hang in there! Enjoy BlogHer! (So jealous!) And know that people are rooting for you!
I read this comment at work & teared up. Perfect comment at the perfect moment. Thank you so much!
Oh I am so with you on this post. Infertility is sucha theif. It steals our souls and makes us *stabby* when we don’t want to be.
Hoping you see those two lines very soon!
Thanks Suzy. Yes, stabby describes that feeling perfectly!
My dear Suz – I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all of this. I don’t understand but I certainly can hope for you. (((hugs)))
Thank you so much Molly. I’ll take all the hope I can get!
prayers for my ‘lil
Thanks big sis! 🙂
((hugs)) This post (and the one about what you go through on a monthly basis) make me think twice about complaining when I have a rough day with Bella. Your little one is going to be so lucky to have you as a mama. <3
Infertility sucks. Even after you get thru it, you (ok well at least me) don’t really ever feel the same about pregnancy & kids. I was a nightmare during our 3 years of trying for #1 and the couple tries for #2 weren’t much easier. The unexpected was definitely one of the harder parts. I don’t know if I have any advice for you there, but I certainly sympathize. I remember always thinking we’ll do X one day but right now I need to hold off. Or I can’t plan to do X because we might need to be at the doctor that day/week/month. Ugh. Hugs hun!