Guilt & Gratefulness

These two emotions have dominated at certain times throughout this pregnancy. Guilt, for all those still fighting the infertility battle. I’ve been there, I know how rough it is & my heart is thinking those who are continuing to struggle to make a complete family.

Guilt, for my three friends who’ve lost both of their identical twin babies while I’ve been pregnant. Three y’all. How unfair & awful is that?! I think of & pray for peace & love & strength on M, Amy & most recently Diana daily.

Guilt, that while I have experienced loss this year with our Baby B, we still are growing two beautiful healthy babies. & I think why me & not them?!

That’s what leads to the most dominate emotion: gratefulness. It’s seriously lead the way for 31w5d. Grateful for those first two pink lines, the doctors who’ve all been amazingly supportive, the ultrasound techs who go above & beyond to point out all that the babies are doing, our families for being the best cheerleaders, our friends for their generosity & excitement for us.

And the babies themselves. We’re so grateful to L & Z already. For making us parents-to-be. For showing off a little at the ultrasound Thursday morning. For Z showing us he can make a huge yawn. L for being sleepy & not a morning person {like her Mom already}. For L’s full bladder. Both for showing us healthy heartbeats & that they’re practicing breathing even now. For Z being a guestimated 3lb15oz & L at 4lb6oz. For measuring ahead & making all my eating & discomfort more than worth it.

Z is back head down {with hands & one foot by his face Thurs morning}! With him in vertex position & our MFM thinking he’ll stay that way, I’m so grateful that vaginal delivery is not only once again an option but now my doctor’s & our plan. As the time of their births gets closer, I’ll share & expand on this more, but for now, I’ll leave you with a few photos. Turns out the tech didn’t get any good ones of L who’s transverse & facing in, but here’s a side profile of Z & one of his head measurement with his hands & a foot beside it.

7 comments

  1. beth dotson says:

    To answer all your questions and doubts, it is “God’s will”. We will never have the answers as to why things happen the way they do. Maybe Baby B just wasn’t strong enough to make the journey. Maybe God just needed another angel in heaven. We are so excited about these babies of yours and Jason’s. We’re just so grateful,while still sad about Baby B. We love y’all

  2. Surf Momma says:

    “We’re so grateful to L & Z already. For making us parents-to-be.”

    Oh Suz, you’re already a Momma – and a great one! And I hope you get the delivery you want (and if you do, you’ll be my hero!).

  3. I get it 100%. I feel guilt because we conceived with the egg meets sperm plan on the second cycle we tried and because our baby is right on track and because I’m carrying a singleton. I feel guilt that I didn’t have morning sickness. And mostly, I feel oh so very grateful. And I will feel more grateful when I am 30+ weeks (I’m 15 weeks today).

  4. MomEinstein says:

    I just want to hug you. I hope that your story can be an inspiration for others. I feel guilty at times, too – for having a relatively easy road and for having healthy pregnancies and babies. I know it’s not completely the same, but I get what you’re saying.

    As for the other part – YAY for head down babies and the potential for vaginal deliveries!

  5. LauraC says:

    For me, that guilt and gratefulness has never gone away. I don’t think you can be in the multiples community without knowing a lot of people who have lost babies. It is the sad, sad reality. I’ve tried to write about it so many times over the years on my blog about how we feel so lucky, but it never comes out quite right.

  6. Amy says:

    I, for one, can’t wait to see those babies of yours. You are blessed and those babies are lucky to have you as a mama.

  7. [...] In light of my dear friend Diana’s loss last week, I’ve been feeling emotional about this pregnancy & really trying to take all the crazy, crappy results of experiencing 32 [...]

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