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Loss. One Year Later.

We are a year out from the day last year that changed our life. January 31st 2012, we learned that our three in-utero babies were to be two future babies. Our baby A, Zach, & our baby C, Lucy. The dream of triplets, our dreams of life with three, died that day when we learned about baby B.

Baby B was our chill inside baby. The one we could count on. Lucy girl went MIA during one of our first ultrasounds & Zach was always moving all over the place. Baby B was always there hanging out between her two siblings.

I would love to have known her personality. Would she be wild like Lucy & all over the place or more content to chill & cuddle Mommy like our Zach? While Zach is Jason’s baby clone & Lucy & I’s baby photos are exchangeable, would baby B have looked like a combination of her parents? I’ll never know the answers to these questions. And that breaks my heart.

Lucy & Zach don’t know life any other way then having each other. Do they remember being inside & having one more sibling close by? I don’t think so. But I like to wish that they somehow feel that they’re watched over by the tiny baby we didn’t get the opportunity to know. One day I think we’ll tell them about baby B. I don’t think we’d want to hide our & their family history.

The last photo we have of all three together with hearts beating away was taken at our 15 week ultrasound appointment. That picture is still on our fridge. It’s started to become buried under daycare artwork which symbolizes that life really has moved on around us.

Life with two has kept us on our toes. Kept the days & weeks flying by. But still. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about baby B. Whether it’s seeing triplets on TV {this last season of Private Practice was hard} or hearing someone remark about my “twins”.

If/when people ask about our life with twins, I answer & I don’t correct them. I’ve told very few people who weren’t there through my pregnancy that L & Z had a sister. I mentioned it to a few of their daycare teachers when they remarked at how hard a twin pregnancy must have been. But that might be it.

I still don’t call Zach & Lucy my twins. I call them my babies. My duo. My two. The babes. Z & L. But not my twins. My husband says he’ll now tell people he has twins. He’s okay going there. I’m not & I’m not sure that I’ll ever be. And I think that’s okay.

12 comments

  1. Beth Anne says:

    Love you & your babies. All of them.

  2. Laura Case says:

    No great words other than I am sorry for your loss.

  3. Amy says:

    Baby B will never be forgotten. I still think of her often! *hugs*

  4. Melissa says:

    this made me tear up.
    i think my biggest mis-assumption (is that a word?) is that i thought i wouldn’t be sad or think about a lost baby once another was on the way….how wrong i was.

    • Suz says:

      Oh Melissa. I think you & your lost lil one often. Hope you’re feeling well & able to experience & feel the joy of new life while still thinking of what might have been. Much love! We need to catch up soon!

  5. Soña says:

    Our loss of our baby C is coming up. Just passed the anniversary of our last ultrasound of all three (also 15 weeks) and I’m sometimes overwhelmed with the two I am lucky to have but goodness my heart hurts for what might have been. I also never call my babies “twins” but others do. To me they are my babies. But not twins. Many hugs momma. Your babies are beautiful and baby B will never be forgotten.

    • Suz says:

      This is me exactly “I’m sometimes overwhelmed with the two I am lucky to have but goodness my heart hurts for what might have been”. Thanks for commenting. I hate that we have this in common but it’s nice to know someone else knows exactly what I feel. Hugs to you too on your upcoming sad ‘anniversary’.

  6. Allison says:

    It is beautiful how you remember baby b and will honor her life by letting L&Z know they had a sibling. This may be rude, and I really don’t mean to be insensitive – don’t answer if it is – did you get to birth baby b and see what she looked like when you were in labor with your two? What happened to her while Lucy and Zach grew?

    • Suz says:

      Allison, I’ve briefly touched on this before so I don’t mind answering. Baby B’s sac broke down & baby B attached to her placenta {my MFM told us this would happen during that 18w ultrasound appt} & ended up fusing with Lucy & Zach’s placentas. I delivered the one huge placenta after Zach & Lucy were born. We did have the OB that delivered Lucy & the placentas show us the tiny bone outline remains of baby B.

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