Frozen Love

We watched Frozen this morning after I made waffles for our half-snow day, half-delayed work day. It was the kiddos first full length movie! They caught some of it in between book reading, Little People animal playing, & car riding/pushing. I really enjoyed it ~ the winter setting was perfect for our snowy morning. I loved the strength of the female characters, the silly snowman & fun reindeer & the male characters of substance. I know we’ll be watching it again.

And then I went to shower & start getting ready for work while L & Z played & laughed in their cribs. My mind started on the bond of the sisters in Frozen & how that love changes everything. And that took me to tears, because Lucy won’t get to experience that.

Most of the time, I’m 99% over the loss of baby B while living in the wild, fast paced life of working & keeping up with two toddlers. Then something as silly as sisters in a movie takes me back to the hard shock of our loss.

Now it’s more the sadness over what could have been for L & Z; what it would be like for them to have a third party in their shenanigans, another sister to fight with & love & hug. Things we & they will never know.

{Stay tuned for non-sappy snow & makeover posts this week! I promise I’m done with melancholy now that I’ve gotten that out. Also feel like I shouldn’t have to qualify my feelings, & yet I do.}

ReLearning to Eat

From Nov 7th 2011 until very recently, I’ve been eating for three {or 14 weeks for four}. At first, that meant pouring through mom of multiples books for sample eating charts, foods recommendations & recipes to try to reach the goal of 3000 {then 2700} calories a day. I was told to add all the protein & fat I could because I was growing multiple babies {who’d most likely be preemies} & needed all they could get before they arrived. I switched to higher fat milk & subbed extra real butter on everything. Gone were any low calorie yogurt, cheese, cream cheese, breads, crackers, etc.

Then Z & L were born & my hard work eating all.the.things paid off as they were huge in comparison to their other NICU residents.

And boom. I was told by NICU LCs & MoM breastfeeding books to up my calories & fat again after L & Z were born to keep up my milk supply. So I was once again eating everything I could plus sticking with my ice cream before bed routine. In about 9 months after they were born, I’d lost the 50 lbs I’d gained pregnant plus 20-25 more. I was wearing clothes I hadn’t dreamed I’d ever fit into again while eating whatever I wanted {pretty cool, right?! Breastfeeding FTW}.

Then even when L & Z started eating solids as their main nutritional source & we started cutting nursing sessions, I kept up my big breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner & dessert routine. It’s what I knew & what my stomach was telling me I was hungry for. I was busy & tired & usually somewhat overwhelmed by life & just doing what I could.

Cue 19 months post-partum. Today. I’m still nursing L before bed & Z during 1-2 dream feeds a night. Yes my 19, almost 20, month old son doesn’t STTN {& nor do I} but that’s a whole other post. I’m still trying to drink a lot of water {although thankfully not the 100 oz I was doing while pregnant & EBFing} & maintain calories of hopefully healthy food to pass through in my milk. But honestly, my eating is kinda of a joke some days. My constant {especially strong post-nursing} sweet tooth & the holidays didn’t help.

I’ve gained back 15-20 of those pounds I’d lost. My post-multiples lower belly is a mess of chub & stretch marks & my boobs will never be where they once were. I do have kick ass arm muscles for someone my size thanks to carrying 50+ lbs of toddlers multiple times a day though. Multi-mom bonus!

I’m okay with my body shifting. Hello, I grew babIES! And at some point, I’ll find time from somewhere to work out & see about tightening up those stomach muscles. But my priority now is relearning how to eat. This might sound crazy, to some, but it’s been 26 months since I was eating for just me & I’ve kinda forgotten normal portions!

It doesn’t help that I’m on my own with getting all three of us up & out the door in the mornings. My prior life breakfast routine of leisurely eating cereal isn’t an option as I’d have L & Z going after my spoon or food while I run around the house. This past weekend, we hit up Trader Joe’s for some quick & healthy week night meals {L & Z like to eat by 6p which makes recipes with a lot of effort or cooking time a non-option} as well as their organic milk & yogurt & breakfast items for me. So I’m going to admit that instead of my usual two bagels with cream cheese when I get to work at 830, yesterday am, I ate a whole wheat bagel with cream cheese at home. While I peed. & L & Z dumped out their sock drawer. Because that’s the 5 2 mins I had to eat.

I bring my lunch to work most days & have started to pack less. And I’m cutting out my mid-afternoon snack since we usually eat dinner early.

Dinner is tough because, like I said above, it has to be made quick & I still want high calorie foods to bulk up L & especially Z. I’m not a short order cook & I want us all eating the same thing.

And I’m not ready to give up my beloved dessert forever but have cut it out some nights this week. I’m motivated. But not that motivated. :-P

So, long long long story short, I’d love to hear how, post-baby{s}, you got back to normal or the new normal.

Not Giving Up

Did you think I gave up on this ole blog? Almost. It seems like the time to sit & write & share is nil these days.

I’ve successfully stopped pumping. Which means I have my work lunch break time back to eat, run errands, catch up on work or make up time from being out at doctor’s appointments. But it also means that the 30 minutes I had {at one point three times a day} to sit quietly somewhere & read or blog or play on IG is also gone. My blog writing & reading has suffered. And for that, I’m sorry.

I find writing & sharing on here cathartic, & I miss the blogging community. So blogging, you’re moving up on my night time priority!

Look for posts soon on Christmas, having 19 {almost 20} month olds, {finally} sleep training L, relearning to eat & a few Liberating Working Moms posts too. Happy New Year friends!

Christmas Tree

Oh look, it’s almost the end of Dec & I’m just getting around to sharing photos from the second weekend. Sadly, this is typical by now.

We jumped into the festive spirit after our breakfast with Mary & Joseph & trip to meet Santa earlier in the day. So Saturday evening we piled into the van, headed to Lowes & found our tree!


Getting our tree & we helped put lights on aunt Sue's tree on her birthday

My goal was to have it {& the rest of the house} decorated that night. Instead, we had a blank tree for a day, then one lit without ornaments. Finally two days later, ornaments!

I didn’t put up my usual fake owl tree in the kitchen to make it easier on myself for undecorating. Since Z & L love owls, I put some at their eye level instead. They did great with the tree. Admiring it from behind the fence but not really trying to mess with it.

Meeting Santa

The Sunday before Thanksgiving, my aunt & I had L & Z at the mall. We walked by Santa, & since there wasn’t a line, walked over to him. Z & {especially} L clung to us & most definitely wouldn’t talk to him much less sit with him.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving, we met an OIB Santa at the fire station. Photo fail {it even made Diana’s top 25 list!}.

Third times a charm we hoped as we waited in line for around an hour late morning Saturday Dec 7th. I’d pulled out our Christmas books & even bought a Target dollar bin Santa book in hopes that reading about him & learning ‘ho ho ho’ would help.

Well, no screaming & we got the nose picking pics out while in line, but as I suspected, J & I are in this year’s photo along with two wide eyed toddlers.


Next year, can I hope for smiles? Maybe?!