I’m taking a deep breath & opening up today. I’m admitting that I’m struggling a bit. I’m having a harder time than I’d like to believe. Is it delayed PPD/PPA {don’t think so}, just rage, loneliness or my newborn rose colored glasses wearing off?

Conversations more often than we like start & end between the husband & I with sarcasm, tension & defensiveness. Even silly non-essential ones. Our guest bedroom has been used more than I’d like to admit due to sickness {the real kind & the sick-of-each-other kind} in the weeks since his CA trip.

I’m less than okay with the entire paragraph above. But I’m not sure where to go or what to do about it. We have different parenting styles but that usually works out- I’m laid back, he can be a worrying helicopter. We level each other out in that department.

I know I’m partly to blame for all the rage that spouts out when things aren’t going my way or aren’t going as planned. I’ve always been someone who likes to be in control.

I strongly dislike sickness & sleepless nights. By now, I should be used to them. I don’t do well on little sleep or when hungry. I’ve also found I don’t like having to be a nag or repeat myself for things to get done. I also don’t do well cooped up inside for an entire day.

Week before last, Lucy had a stomach bug & J started getting a man cold. Man cold got worse with added sore throat last week. Dr said not strep Thurs. Add in temps over 101 all weekend for him & both Lucy & Zach not sleeping through the night all week. Oh & throw in a blister/crack on my nipple that causes me to yelp upon any contact to it aka nursing or pumping. Mix that all together & you have a houseful of tired, grumpy adults & kiddos making a great recipe for a rainbow, joy-filled weekend {insert sarcasm}.

The blister makes me want to throw in the towel on pumping/nursing. But it’s the only thing that gets them back to sleep {sorta} quickly in the middle of the night. What do parents who don’t nurse do? Heat bottles? Rock/walk babes back to sleep? We’re only planning to keep up the formula/breast milk for another month, so I’ll need to figure this out too.

I posted before on co-sleeping & how we like it. Now I’m starting to resent it. I don’t resent the extra cuddles, but I can’t say I love sharing my pillow or getting kicked in my sore boob all night. Or that Z hasn’t wanted to nap in his own crib anymore & both fight like hell sometimes in the middle of the night. Plus, it’s another excuse why husband & I aren’t co-sleeping: our bed full of babies so he escapes to guest room. Or we separate bedrooms each with an overtired, fussy kid hoping it buys us an hour of sleep.

We had a break with family help just two weekends ago at the beach. It was a good weekend besides me raging a bit over a lost Lucy beach hat & MIA beach quilt {both eventually discovered}.

I often feel like I’m on my own even though I know I’m not. I know & appreciate the fact that my husband & family are way more involved than so many other multi-mommas have it. That said, I still often feel like I’d love to run away. Like I need a break more than anything else even though I get one while at work & escaped to a beautiful baby shower Sat morning. And when I am away from them, I miss my babies & husband something fierce. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to have conversation not about them {maybe also why I feel out of the loop with my friends?!}

It doesn’t help that a baby or husband being sick or out of town has stopped me from being able to attend the last few girls’ night gatherings I’ve been included on. Maybe I wouldn’t be furiously typing this if I’d had a place to share my feelings over margaritas.

I don’t want a divorce or broken family. My husband is the best daddy, & I think J is ridiculously handsome & don’t want to be having disagreements with anyone else. I don’t want to run away or be away from Z & L for long.

I do want fun, family days- trips to the beach without stress & tension, afternoons at the park or just on the back deck with their baby pool & water table. I’d like a date night with hand holding & eating baby-free. A girls’ night {or dare I wildly dream, weekend} where I don’t have to worry about my three at home. Am I crazy? Am I asking too much?

Family, no need to worry & call. I’m okay. We’re okay. Just needed to vent & get this off my chest. I already feel better just from online support.