Categories
Motherhood

Frozen Love

We watched Frozen this morning after I made waffles for our half-snow day, half-delayed work day. It was the kiddos first full length movie! They caught some of it in between book reading, Little People animal playing, & car riding/pushing. I really enjoyed it ~ the winter setting was perfect for our snowy morning. I loved the strength of the female characters, the silly snowman & fun reindeer & the male characters of substance. I know we’ll be watching it again.

And then I went to shower & start getting ready for work while L & Z played & laughed in their cribs. My mind started on the bond of the sisters in Frozen & how that love changes everything. And that took me to tears, because Lucy won’t get to experience that.

Most of the time, I’m 99% over the loss of baby B while living in the wild, fast paced life of working & keeping up with two toddlers. Then something as silly as sisters in a movie takes me back to the hard shock of our loss.

Now it’s more the sadness over what could have been for L & Z; what it would be like for them to have a third party in their shenanigans, another sister to fight with & love & hug. Things we & they will never know.

{Stay tuned for non-sappy snow & makeover posts this week! I promise I’m done with melancholy now that I’ve gotten that out. Also feel like I shouldn’t have to qualify my feelings, & yet I do.}

Categories
Babies Pregnancy

Loss. One Year Later.

We are a year out from the day last year that changed our life. January 31st 2012, we learned that our three in-utero babies were to be two future babies. Our baby A, Zach, & our baby C, Lucy. The dream of triplets, our dreams of life with three, died that day when we learned about baby B.

Baby B was our chill inside baby. The one we could count on. Lucy girl went MIA during one of our first ultrasounds & Zach was always moving all over the place. Baby B was always there hanging out between her two siblings.

I would love to have known her personality. Would she be wild like Lucy & all over the place or more content to chill & cuddle Mommy like our Zach? While Zach is Jason’s baby clone & Lucy & I’s baby photos are exchangeable, would baby B have looked like a combination of her parents? I’ll never know the answers to these questions. And that breaks my heart.

Lucy & Zach don’t know life any other way then having each other. Do they remember being inside & having one more sibling close by? I don’t think so. But I like to wish that they somehow feel that they’re watched over by the tiny baby we didn’t get the opportunity to know. One day I think we’ll tell them about baby B. I don’t think we’d want to hide our & their family history.

The last photo we have of all three together with hearts beating away was taken at our 15 week ultrasound appointment. That picture is still on our fridge. It’s started to become buried under daycare artwork which symbolizes that life really has moved on around us.

Life with two has kept us on our toes. Kept the days & weeks flying by. But still. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about baby B. Whether it’s seeing triplets on TV {this last season of Private Practice was hard} or hearing someone remark about my “twins”.

If/when people ask about our life with twins, I answer & I don’t correct them. I’ve told very few people who weren’t there through my pregnancy that L & Z had a sister. I mentioned it to a few of their daycare teachers when they remarked at how hard a twin pregnancy must have been. But that might be it.

I still don’t call Zach & Lucy my twins. I call them my babies. My duo. My two. The babes. Z & L. But not my twins. My husband says he’ll now tell people he has twins. He’s okay going there. I’m not & I’m not sure that I’ll ever be. And I think that’s okay.

Categories
Pregnancy

Potentially my Last Pregnant Day

Later today I’ll do a 34 week update, but I feel like there’s more to be said than answering those weekly update questions.

I’ve been pregnant for 34 weeks. Some bittersweet, but mostly happy weeks. Weeks filled with new bliss at being pregnant; what couldve been called naive faith that our triplet pregnancy would be a smooth one; being rocked when we lost Baby B; adjusting to a pregnancy with two growing babies; slowly getting used to & even saying ‘I’m having twins’; then ending with almost two weeks on hospital bedrest.

The ‘twins’ word hasn’t come out of my lips easy. But it’s what the world already does & will think when they see Zach & Lucy. I’m not one to focus on loss. To pull down myself & others by choosing to only see what’s missing instead if the gifts God has given us. So in that light, I’ve added ‘twins’ to my vocabulary where there was once ‘triplets’. I’ve even purchased a TW INS onesie for them to wear when they’re big enough. I’m looking forward to that photo op.

But tomorrow, I’m going to give birth to all three of my babies. And I’m so excited. And a little scared. And nervous at what my reaction to Baby B will be. Should we have named her? Made other plans for post-birth? I’m standing now by the decisions Jason & I have made. Made for us & for Zach & Lucy.

I have loved being pregnant. Every moment. Every ultrasound. Every kick, punch & head butt to the vag or ribs. Every bit of food to add close to 50 pounds in order to make them as big as possible. Every second of the last two weeks of bedrest. I will honestly miss the big belly. I’ll miss wearing the cute maternity clothes (but don’t think I’ll be giving them up for a few months)!

Today I’m rubbing on extra belly lotion & taking it pretty easy. Enjoying time with family & babies’ belly attention before the big day tomorrow.

Categories
Pregnancy

Same but Different Loss

I watched it. I didn’t mean to, yet I did & I knew I couldn’t not watch. Yet I realized I wasn’t, I’m not, strong enough to watch it home alone (I turned it on while husband was around Saturday). It’s too close to home. Probably was way
too close. & yet, in some ways so different.

I’m talking about last week’s episode of 19 Kids & Counting. Your thoughts & mine on the Duggers in general don’t really matter for the sake of this. I DVR the show because I find their family & lifestyle so fascinating. I remember hearing Michelle had miscarried her 20th child last Dec, but I also think I half blocked it out during my first trimester triplet high.

I didn’t know the details. I didn’t realize that they too went as an excited couple to their 18 week, gender reveal appointment. They too had told everyone (in their case, really everyone) they were expecting & thus had tons of family & friends awaiting great news that afternoon. They too were shocked & saddened beyond what they could’ve imagined by what they saw or, in our cases, didn’t see on that ultrasound. I’ll admit that the Oprah ugly cry occurred through almost the whole show. I was brought back to that Jan 31st day I can’t forget. Watching them break the news to their children tore me up.

But here’s where our experiences separate. While we carried on with a somewhat different but still healthy pregnancy, Michelle didn’t. That makes our grief in the passing, joy in the brief life & how we’ve dealt with the losses different too.

As this pregnancy winds down, I’m thrilled, elated even, that we’ll sooner than later be bringing home (God willing) two babies. That’s what we have & are focusing on. But the impending birth also means we will meet what’s left of Baby B soon too. This week, we’ve discussed this & plan to discuss it further with our doctor next week. We’re not sure our plans. One thing I know from this experience, is that it has bonded me even closer to my husband. And for that, I’m so grateful.

Post written post-midnight Sunday when I couldn’t sleep. I’m learning it’s better to type out these feelings than let them linger inside.