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That Green Monster

That green monster called Jealousy has been rearing it’s evil head pretty frequently for me. I hate it. But I’m going to let it all out here to share exactly how I’m feeling. {I tend to feel better after a good vent, don’t you?!}

Three babies were recently born who’s moms conceived after we started trying. Actually they found out when we started going to the RE in February. So happy for my friends, & yet disappointed & jealous for us.

I find myself looking at cute pregnant women & thinking “why her & not me?”. We’re surrounded by them & more than a handful of babies in our NCSU season ticket seats. I will be drinking at those home games.

I get jealous walking past maternity/baby stores & hate I can’t go in there yet {for myself}.

My first thought when I hear someone’s pregnant is typically a cuss word {take your pick which one} then very quickly followed by sincere happiness & congrats to them. I hate that it’s not immediately the happy. I do find that if they’ve been trying “a while” or have been through IF, I’m immediately excited. But I know it should just be immediately excited no matter what they’ve experienced.

I dreamed {nightmared?!} Tuesday night that 3 good IRL friends {I’m looking at you B, K & C} brought HPTs to my house & all announced they were pregnant at once. They weren’t even TTC & bam all three at once. I was so jealous/mad/horrified. I woke up freaked out.

I have had two friends say to me recently that they’ve been “afraid” or “hate to tell me” now about their own or other women we know’s pregnancy. I hate that. I hate that I come with an infertility warning label now.

I’m jealous of women who aren’t thinking constantly about TTC, who either thoughtlessly get knocked up or it happens with little thought/effort. After my doctor dilated my cervix Tuesday {so painful I cried} to prepare for an IUI, we learned we’d been benched from meds & the procedure for this cycle due to another cyst. I still find myself watching for CM or thinking about fertile days.

A friend recently said she went through these same feelings while they were dealing with IF & prayer helped her get through it. I purchased a Christian infertility book recently to see if that would help. I plan to take it with me on my upcoming trips to see if it helps center & calm me & that Jealousy monster. What other tips for keeping jealousy at bay can you offer?

This is yet another Infertile Friday post. Feel free to link up if you have an Infertile post of your own. Or leave a comment to share the love.

12 comments

  1. Kylee says:

    Oh, I am so sorry.

    And while I haven’t been down your road exactly, I can say that I understand some of it. It took us over 2 years to conceive our first baby girl and I had the SAME reaction when my friends (and family members!) would announce their pregnancies. I even cried when a celebrity named her child the same name that I wanted to name my one-day-would-be-daughter.

    To be honest, nothing worked for me. No matter how hard I tried to act like I wasn’t: I was jealous.

    But I DID try to remain positive. You know what I’m talking about. I just tried to “keep my eyes” on the prize, not the tries.

    When this does happen for you — the sweet, sweet celebration will be far more than those women who get pregnant easily will ever be able to understand. It’s different. It really is.

    Keep pressin’ on. Big hug.

    • Suz says:

      Thank you for your honesty & sharing your story. I love your phrase “keeping my eyes on the prize, not the tries” & we’re doing our best to do that. I can’t wait to have that celebration!

  2. I still struggle against the green monster. It seems that this most recent surgery brought all of my IF pain back to the surface. The weird thing in my case is that I don’t even want another baby right now {Abby alone wears me out) but its more of the fact of knowing that I can’t get pregnant if I wanted to. It’s knowing that expandimg our family wouldn’t involve a night of fun in the sack but mounds and mounds of paperwork, money, and heartache. Keep your chin up girl. You WILL become a mom. You are in my thoughts and prayers often and I have all fingers and toes crossed that you see that second line pop up soon!! Love & hugs!

  3. ((hugs)) I’m going to email you.

  4. Annie says:

    Thinking of my Suzie! Love you!

    You know I’m always here for you!

  5. Kathleen says:

    I am so sorry, Suz. I have no idea what you’re going through, but have been thinking about you & your struggle lately. I have no words that will help, but just wanted to let you know you’ve been on my mind & I’ve been hoping for the best for you…

    • Suz says:

      That right now you don’t know exactly what its like, makes me appreciate your comment & thoughts even more. & I hope you never have to experience IF & its crappy side effects like jealousy. Thanks Kathleen.

  6. Marian says:

    I have no idea what it feels like to be in your situation, but I think it is great that you are using this as an outlet for your feelings. And that I think about you & your struggles often! Keep your head up!

  7. Gemma says:

    My best friend & her husband (while starting to giggle) told my husband & myself that they are pregnant after 1 week of ‘trying’ well my very first few feelings were jealousy,sadness, anger & then finally happiness for them. These feelings were a real shock to me! I wish more than anything that my first reaction would have been happiness & excitement.
    My husband and i have been trying to fall pregnant for years and not even a miscarriage – NOTHING! (it is really sad to wish for a miscarriage so you knew at least something was working).
    I believe when my best friend told me if she had acknowledged our struggles and not kept emphasizing that it had happened only after a week & that he must have ‘really good swimmers’ it felt like a bit of a slap in the face.
    My husband & i are booking ourselves in to the doctors after the new year & hopefully we will be able to figure out what is going on with us And then hopefully all these awful jealous feeling will go away Because i can tell you i am really not looking forward to all her pregnancy updates and that is really sad that i feel that way. I feel like a bad person 🙁

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