Unwelcomed Guest: my morning’s highs & lows

I sat cautiously in my RE’s waiting room this morning listening for my name to be called then to be taken back to that familiar small room. Undressed from the waist down, I held my breath a bit as the ultrasound wand was inserted. By this point in our infertility journey, I too can read the baseline ultrasound & see full lining, my left ovary MIA, & my right ovary {the active one for cycle 21} still looking very active. There was a large blob in the center with three smaller cysts? on its left. The tech had me get dressed while she tried to find a doctor. The doctors were all busy, so she suggested I get blood work done to rules things out. Things meaning pregnacy &/or cysts. My emotions of possible elelation & sadness held in check because I didn’t know.

I sat with hands out for the blood work nurse. My heart raced as she poked & proded my veins. I regretted not drinking all my water bottle on the way over as I saw my blood very slowly dripping out. Next thing I saw were spots then stars. I heard voices, but they sounded very far away as I’m told I’m pale. Then loud voices were telling me to put my head between my knees after I announced I might throw up. A few minutes later {I can’t be sure how long}, I’m slowly walked & layed down in an empty exam room, given cool cloths & juice to keep the sweat & shakes at bay.

All I could say & think was I’m sorry & so embarrassed as the time ticked by. Finally, I felt ok enough to sit up then I leaned over to text my husband & coworkers that I’m going to be even later. I made it to work but still felt slightly shaky. Time, more water & lunch out with coworkers left me finally feeling almost like myself.

Except that I knew a phone call that would change my day awaited. That phone call just arrived. Sweet Megan advised me that while that the pregnancy test was negative, my estrogen & progesterone levels were very normal for the beginning of a new cycle.  This is what I expected. I’d even gone so far to think if the pregnancy test was negative then hopefully the other levels were fine {if not then cycle 22 would be another bust}.

With a sad, but once again hopeful, heart I will begin taking those powerful little pills tomorrow night. My unwelcomed guest, AF, & her cycle 22 has arrived.

19 comments

  1. Kylee says:

    Oh my goodness, as a new reader of your blog (and friend), I had no idea that you had been through such a treacherous road on your way to conceive. I am so sorry.

    Although there aren’t many words that make any of this process better (I get it…) – please know that we are here and we are listening.

    Hug to you.

  2. Beth says:

    So sorry Suz 🙁 I hope cycle 22 will be good to you dear.

  3. Mama Fisch says:

    Where is the dislike button? So sorry lady… good things are coming! I just know it!

  4. Oh Suz, I am so sorry! I so wish that you didn’t have to walk down this road of IF. If you ever need to chat, you know how to find me! (((Hugs)))
    Jamee @ A New Kind of Normal recently posted..What I Wore Wednesday #3

  5. Sara says:

    Oh Suz. I cry for you. Hugs and wine in a few days, my friend.

    PS–I’ve passed out when having blood drawn too. It is embarrassing, but it happens a lot! You handled it perfect, I’m sure!!

  6. Katie says:

    Oh Suz I’m so so so so so so sososososososo sorry :(((((
    *hugs*

  7. Jenny says:

    I just can’t help but think back to our lunch with Katherine, when you were new to charting and we all poo-pooed the possibility of you slogging through a long, brutal TTC journey. I hate that we were wrong. I hate that you are our sister. I love you, though, and pray you join us soon in the another sisterhood very, very soon.
    Jenny recently posted..Peace

    • Suz says:

      Thank you Jenny! I’ve thought of that lunch conversation too. Never in a million years would I’ve thought or wished this sisterhood for myself or anyone else. I love seeing the results of struggle in triplet photos ~ yay for that sisterhood of encouragement too. 🙂

  8. MomEinstein says:

    I went into my reader to check your blog and see if you had posted yet about this cycle. I am so sorry that this was not it for you. I have my fingers crossed for lucky cycle 22.

  9. Nichole says:

    Oh, Suz.
    I, too, know the hope/disappointment/hope cycle.
    How I wish things had gone differently for you this month.
    My heart just hurts for you.
    I will be sending you all of the positive energy I have for your next cycle.
    And I’m always here if you need to talk.

  10. Mic says:

    Oh my goodness, that was definitely a dramatic day. I remember how hard it was to both mourn the loss of the last cycle & try to be hopeful for the next all in the same day. Fertility treatment really gives you no time to get over one before moving to the next. I wish I had some great advice for you but all I can say is that I’m crying & praying for you today.

  11. JJ says:

    *sigh*

    I know that pain all to well…and Im so very sorry you had that heartache. Will be holding hope for you that you get to spend a lot less time at the RE’s office in the very near future. ((hugs))

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