Tag: TTC

This post follows up well to yesterday’s I’ll never post. Because I truly thought I’d never have to do all the crazy, scary, way-out-of-my-comfort-zone things I’ve been since being “infertile”.

I’d have thought, I’ll never be able to do seven days straight of giving myself injections. I hate needles. But I’m happy with the effects they have on fighting infertility & I have the shot pin points to show I’ve done them each day this past week.

I’ll never be able or have to give blood multiple days in a week. I was scared, & I have the triple bruises to prove I survived.

I’ll never be able to grow six follicles {two to three of which we’re thinking are now mature}. Yep, did that & bloated enough to show.

I’ll never have to have an IUI.Yet here we are, on the afternoon before our first IUI.

What am I feeling? I don’t know. A million things ~ excited, nervous, happy, relieved, overwhelmed, a little scared of the unknown, scared of possible pain, scared of it not working, scared it works too well. And at the same time, I feel nothing~ too much in the zone or in a blur just trying to take it all in. All at once.

My parents are on their way into town for the NCSU football game tomorrow. {Jason has to go straight to work after he does his part, so Mom might also go with me tomorrow in case I’m too crampy to drive home.} So right now, I’m thinking about the vacuuming & cat litter clean-up that must be done. Sometimes, distraction from the serious, major, easy to over-think-&-be-overwhelmed-by topics is a very peaceful feeling.

What have you done that’s braver/stronger/more than you ever imagined you could do?

How awesome would this be if this is one of my last Infertile Friday posts?! That’s in my wildest, most lovely dreams.

Some days, IF, my cycle, where I am in my cycle are all I want to talk about. with anyone & everyone. Other days, like yesterday, I left our follow up appointment & didn’t want to over-share. Not at first. Not with everyone or anyone. I told coworkers who asked, especially the one who’s been through IF too. I texted a few friends. But after working two hours later than normal, by the time my mom called at 7p, I was over talking. {It’s also sorta weird to tell your mom about husband’s buddies being turkey bastered into you in a couple of weeks.}

So instead of doing much talking last night, I cooked dinner: chicken & potatoes. The chicken I topped with a tbsp of mayo, pizza herbs & parmesan cheese. The new potatoes I quartered, layered in a pan, topped with garlic, red pepper, & those same pizza seasonings as well as EVOO. I cooked both on 375 for 40 minutes. Delicious with large glass of wine & so easy.

Then I read some more of Waiting for Daisy. While Peggy Orenstein & her husband have a different IF experience than us, it’s so nice to read I’m not alone with so many of my feelings.

Tomorrow’s the first NCSU football game. While it’ll be “nice” that since the beta was negative {& AF showed up today}, I’ll be able to enjoy the wine mixer we purchased months ago for this occasion. I’m also sad. Sad that I’ll be able to drink this football season. And that I have to once again talk about IF. Or not talk. Because who knows, tomorrow, I might want to verbal vomit IF all day, or just a little, or I just might want to brush off all conversations about it. I never know. And if I don’t know, I’m sure my friends don’t know what to say either.

My thoughts for others with friends going through IF; let your friend take the lead about talking. Or not talking. But please don’t not talk or ask either. Because IF can be so isolating. Just letting them know you’re acknowledging it sometimes can mean so much.

This rambling circle of a post is my Infertile Friday. If you’ve had your own thoughts rambling around this week {infertility or other ones}, let me know I’m not alone. I appreciate it.

I was told by one of my colleagues the other week that he felt like I saw things in a “glass half empty” way. I was shocked, but I was able to laugh it off at the moment explaining that, as someone who accesses risk, I had to monitor & weigh the bad along with the good.

But he got me thinking {clearly since two weeks later that comment’s still on my mind}. I’ve changed in the last year or so {22 cycles to be specific}. I’m not longer the happy-go-lucky girl who believed all the best.

I try to force myself into thinking postively. But now it’s a little forced instead of being my natural reaction. No longer do I believe that if you want something, it’ll happen & quickly.

I’m more cynical. I catch myself throwing out debby downer comments. I scoff under-my-breath at work as coworkers complain about their un-planned children. This was not the norm for the Suz of a year or so ago. I miss her but yet feel like I have to come to terms with the current me. The one that’s trying to kick infertility’s ass. That’s no longer intimidated by doctors, blood {ok still a little with blood} or injections.

Maybe I am no longer a half-full person. Infertility has me half-empty, but I’m trying to fill back up.

I’m considering this my second Infertile Friday. Feel free to leave a comment with a link to your own infertile thoughts/vent/update post. Or leave a comment supporting those of us battling that infertile beast.