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Expect the Unexpected

That should be the theme for the last twenty TTC cycles: expect the unexpected {yes, I’m borrowing Big Brother’s theme & don’t hate, there’s not much on TV in the summer}.

I’m not trying to sound pretentious when I say that things have typically come pretty easy for me. When I’ve wanted something, with a little hard work, I usually have gotten it. Of course I’ve had ups & downs & the usual drama of life, but over all I know {& appreciate} that I’ve had it good. HS, sports, college, husband, work, friends; yep, all there.  Based on that & our genetic history, I went into TTC thinking this would follow the trend & be fun & quick & easy with just a little work. Not so much. If I’ve learned anything in these twenty cycles it’s that I’m not in charge, I’ve gotta be patient, & I’ve gotta throw my expectations out the window.

I like being in charge. I like knowing what’s next. I hate surprises {take note bc the big 3-0 is coming soon}. I love making plans & lists & filling in a calendar. All of these things do not go well with TTC & infertility. Infertility means never being in charge. Your body & God are making all the moves. I’m just trying to keep up.

Within the last couple of weeks, I’ve found myself getting snappy at work. Annoyed with any interruptions; even the normal this-is-part-of-my-job interruptions have made me lose patience & get frustrated. I know this has nothing to do with the agents that are calling me or the coworkers talking about their children. It’s me. Wanting what I don’t have & losing patience that it’s not ours right.now. I’ve been going to God recently for patience. {I promise I’m not trying to turn this into an annoyingly religious rant} but just a quick {inside my head} shout out for patience calms me. That & a glass of wine once I’m home at night.

I expected we’d have a baby by now. Hell, I even though we’d have a toddler by now. Instead this morning, after a weekend of follistim injections, I had my cycle day 10 ultrasound. Last cycle, at this same day’s ultrasound, I had six visible follicles, did one more night of follistim along with antagon then ovidrel the following night. I was expecting something similar. Instead this morning’s US found I had one really big follicle {22.5} as well as one smaller one {14} on my right side & nothing on my left. The tech said ovridrel tonight & ovulation Wednesday morning. The antagon I spent $50 on last week is not being used. The extra 600 IUs of follistim I expected to need {& that cost $100} sit unopened in my frig. I don’t need them for this cycle, but I’m holding on to both for now. Thinking, hoping, praying I won’t need them next month but who knows. I’m learning to expect the unexpected.

10 comments

  1. Mama Fisch says:

    I have been reading for a while and we gab on twitter but when I read this title, because I LOVE BIG BROTHER in the summer, I wanted comment if only to say hang in there. Our first was not the easiest, not the hardest by any standards, but I will tell you that the hardest thing was to have faith, believe, and keep living life. I found myself asking 1,000,000 questions and when I stopped worrying and continued smiling and laughing and ENJOYING everything I had, I got pregnant! I love your optimism on twitter and I think we would be good friends IRL. (That was not meant to be creepy!) Hang in there! Enjoy BlogHer! (So jealous!) And know that people are rooting for you!

  2. Suzy says:

    Oh I am so with you on this post. Infertility is sucha theif. It steals our souls and makes us *stabby* when we don’t want to be.

    Hoping you see those two lines very soon!

  3. molly says:

    My dear Suz – I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all of this. I don’t understand but I certainly can hope for you. (((hugs)))

  4. Melissa says:

    prayers for my ‘lil

  5. ((hugs)) This post (and the one about what you go through on a monthly basis) make me think twice about complaining when I have a rough day with Bella. Your little one is going to be so lucky to have you as a mama. <3

  6. Mic says:

    Infertility sucks. Even after you get thru it, you (ok well at least me) don’t really ever feel the same about pregnancy & kids. I was a nightmare during our 3 years of trying for #1 and the couple tries for #2 weren’t much easier. The unexpected was definitely one of the harder parts. I don’t know if I have any advice for you there, but I certainly sympathize. I remember always thinking we’ll do X one day but right now I need to hold off. Or I can’t plan to do X because we might need to be at the doctor that day/week/month. Ugh. Hugs hun!

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