Tag Archive for infertility

Scars of Infertility

This post has been tumbling around my brain & heart for a while. As this is National Infertility Awareness Week, I thought I’d try to type out my hearts musings into {hopefully} complete thoughts.

We are now on the other side of infertility, yet that doesn’t mean the stings of it aren’t still there. I still feel stings when pregnancies are announced. My first thoughts thankfully are now celebratory. But I’m willing to admit there’s a brief sting underneath if the pregnancy was ‘accidental’ or happened easily or ‘without trying’. I’m oh so happy for my friend yet mourn a little that wasn’t our experience.

I feel stings when I think of us as being considered older parents. We’ll be in our 50s & 60s when Z & L are in college. Still youngish & we’re hoping that those two keep us spry.

I feel the sting when I grieve over Lucy not being able to meet her namesake, my Ma who passed a year before we became pregnant. I was able to share with Ma my plan to carry her name onto my future daughter. And we celebrated our Lucy meeting the nurses who helped my Ma Lucy die gracefully in the nursing home a couple weeks ago in Charlotte.

The scars of infertility cut deep. Deeper than the bruises from past needles. Deeper than my stretch marks from Lucy & Zach. The scars are sunk way down deep in my heart. Thankfully, sometimes so deep that sometimes I now go weeks without thinking of myself as being formerly infertile.

But the old ache remains. Reminding me how far we’ve come from those sad, desperate days where we wept & drank & ate to make up the the fact that I was seeing red cycle after cycle when I dreamed of seeing pink lines. Reminding me that our journey to parenthood took time & hard work & more money than we’d imagined, yet the results were worth it all in the end.

The scars & ache of infertility remind me that if our journey to a baby had been short, if it had been easy, we wouldn’t have had the chance to grow as a couple & Lucy & Zach might not be our Lucy & Zach. And we’d never trade that out for those 22 cycles of heartache.

My friends still fighting the infertility battle, there’s wonderful life on the other side. There’s also hope in my heart that the gift of motherhood will be blessed down on you somehow. That you not berate yourself for things beyond your control {that one’s so hard}. My scars might be healing, my stings are light comparatively, but I’ve been there. I can still relate.

I reach out on this NIAW wishing that the scars my fellow infertiles are enduring not cut so deep & with the hope they’ll be taken away or lessoned by good things in life.

One Year Ago Today

All weekend long, my husband & I reminisced. Because the first Saturday in Oct 2011 {after I wrote about being more brave & more scared than ever before}, something{s} special happened.

Exactly 365 days ago today {around 8a actually}, I had an IUI done. It rocked our world. And it took me ten days to gather & share my thoughts on it. And then six more days before I POAS & learned that cycle 23 of our TTC struggle was a success. And I could only keep my positive pregnancy results a secret from y’all for eight days. October will always hold a sweet place in my heart.

What a difference a year makes. Today, tonight, I will hold my babies tight. My one-year-ago-self never imagined, couldn’t fathom this joy.

Guilt & Gratefulness

These two emotions have dominated at certain times throughout this pregnancy. Guilt, for all those still fighting the infertility battle. I’ve been there, I know how rough it is & my heart is thinking those who are continuing to struggle to make a complete family.

Guilt, for my three friends who’ve lost both of their identical twin babies while I’ve been pregnant. Three y’all. How unfair & awful is that?! I think of & pray for peace & love & strength on M, Amy & most recently Diana daily.

Guilt, that while I have experienced loss this year with our Baby B, we still are growing two beautiful healthy babies. & I think why me & not them?!

That’s what leads to the most dominate emotion: gratefulness. It’s seriously lead the way for 31w5d. Grateful for those first two pink lines, the doctors who’ve all been amazingly supportive, the ultrasound techs who go above & beyond to point out all that the babies are doing, our families for being the best cheerleaders, our friends for their generosity & excitement for us.

And the babies themselves. We’re so grateful to L & Z already. For making us parents-to-be. For showing off a little at the ultrasound Thursday morning. For Z showing us he can make a huge yawn. L for being sleepy & not a morning person {like her Mom already}. For L’s full bladder. Both for showing us healthy heartbeats & that they’re practicing breathing even now. For Z being a guestimated 3lb15oz & L at 4lb6oz. For measuring ahead & making all my eating & discomfort more than worth it.

Z is back head down {with hands & one foot by his face Thurs morning}! With him in vertex position & our MFM thinking he’ll stay that way, I’m so grateful that vaginal delivery is not only once again an option but now my doctor’s & our plan. As the time of their births gets closer, I’ll share & expand on this more, but for now, I’ll leave you with a few photos. Turns out the tech didn’t get any good ones of L who’s transverse & facing in, but here’s a side profile of Z & one of his head measurement with his hands & a foot beside it.

Moody McWeepy

I thought about saving this whine until my 26 week update, but I think some things deserve their own post.

I really try to just talk about the good things of this pregnancy here {& there are so many} because at the bottom of it all, I’m really just grateful to be pregnant. No matter how rough & crazy it is.

But I want to remember & put it out there that it’s not all sunshine & rainbows & roses. Sometimes it’s just tough.

Tough when after a day of work & a trip around our local Target, I’m too tired to sit up to write baby shower thank you notes much less stand up to make dinner or search for my remote control. Too tired to find the remote y’all. I was that spent Tuesday night. Thank goodness, Jason made me a sandwich, moved my new {from Target} maternity sleep bras/tanks/underoos from the washer to the dryer & used his remote to cue up our DVR.

Tough when I look in the mirror at night in a tank top & cry about missing my {not super but much more} toned/thinner arms. Then I remember that I was too stressed to work out when we were in the throws of 20+ cycles of TTC last summer {cue grateful tears}, & then I was too busy concentrating on growing triplets to work out this fall & winter {cue I-miss-baby-B tears}. Now, I’m rocking short sleeve tops anyways. My flabby, pale arms are part of my current trophies proving I’m been doing the best I can to build & grow big, healthy babIES.

Or tough is when a coworker who doesn’t know me well finds out I’m pregnant with twins & is amazed that I’m out & about because “she’d be rocking in a corner going crazy at that thought”. And I wanted to scream back, it should be triplets! Instead I just said we’re thrilled.

Tough is hearing at work {while feeling peppy & cute in a new ON top & khakis} that I “looked really tired the other day”. WTF. I said “Thanks! ::smirk:: I probably was” & walked on. WTF. Don’t people know by now, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all?! Especially to a pregnant lady.

Tough when I see cute, tiny baby bumps & know mine was never that cute & compact. And that I’ll never know what it feels like to be pregnant with “just” one baby. I’ll never know what’s it’s like to prepare with one-on-the-way excitement versus our three turned two-on-the-way mix of sadness & overwhelming joy. And yet I feel okay with that.

Friends, this is not a cry for help or a pity Suz party. I’m fine. Just documenting life at 25.5 weeks pregnant with multiples.

Infertility & Marriage

This has been on my mind this week. You know how “they” say, “distance makes the heart grow fonder”. It’s true. Three weeks away from husband in the past five weeks & he’s worked those weekends that I have been home. I’ve missed him & am glad we have next couple weekends together.

That said. What I’ve really been thinking about is how infertility, really TTC in general, changes a marriage. Some of the changes are good. Some are bad. Some are just changes.

I’m less naive & maybe more cynical. Husband has always been a bit of both. I guess we now mesh well in that area.

There’s times when I look at Jason with Moekitty or around other kids & my heart swells with love & bursts with sadness that I haven’t been able to give us that future baby yet.

Infertility has forced us both to be patient. We knew things happen in God’s time, not ours, but it’s the working through months of waiting & trying that test that mindset and is something that’s been in my thoughts & prayers a lot recently. We learned to be patient with each other, with doctors, with our bodies & what they do or don’t do.

There have been times I look at Husband as the “giver of the buddies” more than the beloved husband. He’s good at calling me on that one ~ and I’m glad when he does & snaps me back from being that infertile-zilla {you know, like a bride-zilla but for the wanna-be-baby-maker}.

Infertility has made us speak more deeply. About our future hopes & dreams. About our ideas in baby-raising. About finances. About just how far we’re willing to go to have a child. Tough conversations but oh so important ones.

These & all the over changes I’ve mistakenly left off this list will make it even the more sweet when that long awaited BFP occurs.

I missed last Friday as an Infertile Friday {I was a little busy at my brother’s wedding}. So I’m calling this Infertile Monday. How is/has/did TTC &/or infertility change your marriage?