Tag Archive for TTC

Infertility & Marriage

This has been on my mind this week. You know how “they” say, “distance makes the heart grow fonder”. It’s true. Three weeks away from husband in the past five weeks & he’s worked those weekends that I have been home. I’ve missed him & am glad we have next couple weekends together.

That said. What I’ve really been thinking about is how infertility, really TTC in general, changes a marriage. Some of the changes are good. Some are bad. Some are just changes.

I’m less naive & maybe more cynical. Husband has always been a bit of both. I guess we now mesh well in that area.

There’s times when I look at Jason with Moekitty or around other kids & my heart swells with love & bursts with sadness that I haven’t been able to give us that future baby yet.

Infertility has forced us both to be patient. We knew things happen in God’s time, not ours, but it’s the working through months of waiting & trying that test that mindset and is something that’s been in my thoughts & prayers a lot recently. We learned to be patient with each other, with doctors, with our bodies & what they do or don’t do.

There have been times I look at Husband as the “giver of the buddies” more than the beloved husband. He’s good at calling me on that one ~ and I’m glad when he does & snaps me back from being that infertile-zilla {you know, like a bride-zilla but for the wanna-be-baby-maker}.

Infertility has made us speak more deeply. About our future hopes & dreams. About our ideas in baby-raising. About finances. About just how far we’re willing to go to have a child. Tough conversations but oh so important ones.

These & all the over changes I’ve mistakenly left off this list will make it even the more sweet when that long awaited BFP occurs.

I missed last Friday as an Infertile Friday {I was a little busy at my brother’s wedding}. So I’m calling this Infertile Monday. How is/has/did TTC &/or infertility change your marriage?

Post-IUI Two Week Wait

I haven’t posted at all about my IUI since my pre-IUI Infertile Friday. I haven’t responded to any of the sweet comments from that post because I couldn’t without crying. I so felt the love that Friday & Saturday & as always, am so thankful for the e-support.

I’m both at a loss for words {maybe a first} & have been a bit overwhelmed at knowing where to start typing about my IUI & feelings since. This will be rambling, but it’s my blog right, so I can ramble here?!

Last Saturday morning {before the family football fun}, Jason went to the RE & did his thing. I arrived {with my mom as my driver} about an hour later. I was taken back to a small room, & while Mom offered to go with me to hold my hand but I ultimately decided that’d be too weird. I was thrilled to see one of my favorite nurses walk in. I was already put at ease just knowing it was her doing it. I signed the same forms under my husband’s name & was told everything looked great with 45 million freshly washed sperm.

The procedure itself was more painful than I’d heard, but after my experience at the cervix dilation I was afraid it would be. I clenched my teeth & fists as she finally found the opening & insert in the catheter. It didn’t take very long {maybe a few minutes?} before she was done & we were chatting. She answered my questions: that it was fine for me to go to the game & walk around, to take Tylenol for the cramps that would happen {they sure did}, that the sperm wouldn’t leak out but to wear a pad because the pink liquid they wash them in might leak {it did}, that I might spot a little & that was normal for all the poking around she’d done {I did}. She said the sperm would find there way & the connection would happen within three minutes but she had me stay laying down for 10-15 minutes.

After I got up & redressed, I paid my $$$ & met my mom in the waiting room. I was very thankful that she was there to drive me home {Jason had to go straight from his appointment to work} as I was too uncomfortable to drive. We were home around 9 & luckily for me, the tailgaters weren’t arriving until 11:15 so I spent about an hour & half on the couch in my yoga pants & Tshirt before having to change.

How have I been feeling in this past week or so? Good. The cramping from the IUI itself went away by Saturday afternoon & I was all better Sunday. I did the Ovridrel booster shot while I was in Edenton last Tuesday & began the progesterone last Monday. I’ve been feeling a little bloated, but I can’t be sure if that’s from all the food I ate last week, from the booster Ovridrel or from possible future baby. I’ve also had sensitivity in my breasts which is a little normal for PMS time but I’ve never experience to this degree {it was painful trying to run & I’ve been woken up by it at night if I’m on my stomach}. I felt a few twinges in the middle of last week. Implantation? Gas? I’ve been kinda light-headed or queasy if I don’t drink enough water or wait a long time to eat.

Are these early pregnancy signs? Yes. Am I a bit paranoid & over-analyzing every little thing? Also yes. Time will tell sooner than later as this 2WW should end soon.

Braver Than I Ever Thought

This post follows up well to yesterday’s I’ll never post. Because I truly thought I’d never have to do all the crazy, scary, way-out-of-my-comfort-zone things I’ve been since being “infertile”.

I’d have thought, I’ll never be able to do seven days straight of giving myself injections. I hate needles. But I’m happy with the effects they have on fighting infertility & I have the shot pin points to show I’ve done them each day this past week.

I’ll never be able or have to give blood multiple days in a week. I was scared, & I have the triple bruises to prove I survived.

I’ll never be able to grow six follicles {two to three of which we’re thinking are now mature}. Yep, did that & bloated enough to show.

I’ll never have to have an IUI.Yet here we are, on the afternoon before our first IUI.

What am I feeling? I don’t know. A million things ~ excited, nervous, happy, relieved, overwhelmed, a little scared of the unknown, scared of possible pain, scared of it not working, scared it works too well. And at the same time, I feel nothing~ too much in the zone or in a blur just trying to take it all in. All at once.

My parents are on their way into town for the NCSU football game tomorrow. {Jason has to go straight to work after he does his part, so Mom might also go with me tomorrow in case I’m too crampy to drive home.} So right now, I’m thinking about the vacuuming & cat litter clean-up that must be done. Sometimes, distraction from the serious, major, easy to over-think-&-be-overwhelmed-by topics is a very peaceful feeling.

What have you done that’s braver/stronger/more than you ever imagined you could do?

How awesome would this be if this is one of my last Infertile Friday posts?! That’s in my wildest, most lovely dreams.

Talk or Not Talk

Some days, IF, my cycle, where I am in my cycle are all I want to talk about. with anyone & everyone. Other days, like yesterday, I left our follow up appointment & didn’t want to over-share. Not at first. Not with everyone or anyone. I told coworkers who asked, especially the one who’s been through IF too. I texted a few friends. But after working two hours later than normal, by the time my mom called at 7p, I was over talking. {It’s also sorta weird to tell your mom about husband’s buddies being turkey bastered into you in a couple of weeks.}

So instead of doing much talking last night, I cooked dinner: chicken & potatoes. The chicken I topped with a tbsp of mayo, pizza herbs & parmesan cheese. The new potatoes I quartered, layered in a pan, topped with garlic, red pepper, & those same pizza seasonings as well as EVOO. I cooked both on 375 for 40 minutes. Delicious with large glass of wine & so easy.

Then I read some more of Waiting for Daisy. While Peggy Orenstein & her husband have a different IF experience than us, it’s so nice to read I’m not alone with so many of my feelings.

Tomorrow’s the first NCSU football game. While it’ll be “nice” that since the beta was negative {& AF showed up today}, I’ll be able to enjoy the wine mixer we purchased months ago for this occasion. I’m also sad. Sad that I’ll be able to drink this football season. And that I have to once again talk about IF. Or not talk. Because who knows, tomorrow, I might want to verbal vomit IF all day, or just a little, or I just might want to brush off all conversations about it. I never know. And if I don’t know, I’m sure my friends don’t know what to say either.

My thoughts for others with friends going through IF; let your friend take the lead about talking. Or not talking. But please don’t not talk or ask either. Because IF can be so isolating. Just letting them know you’re acknowledging it sometimes can mean so much.

This rambling circle of a post is my Infertile Friday. If you’ve had your own thoughts rambling around this week {infertility or other ones}, let me know I’m not alone. I appreciate it.

Glass Half Empty

I was told by one of my colleagues the other week that he felt like I saw things in a “glass half empty” way. I was shocked, but I was able to laugh it off at the moment explaining that, as someone who accesses risk, I had to monitor & weigh the bad along with the good.

But he got me thinking {clearly since two weeks later that comment’s still on my mind}. I’ve changed in the last year or so {22 cycles to be specific}. I’m not longer the happy-go-lucky girl who believed all the best.

I try to force myself into thinking postively. But now it’s a little forced instead of being my natural reaction. No longer do I believe that if you want something, it’ll happen & quickly.

I’m more cynical. I catch myself throwing out debby downer comments. I scoff under-my-breath at work as coworkers complain about their un-planned children. This was not the norm for the Suz of a year or so ago. I miss her but yet feel like I have to come to terms with the current me. The one that’s trying to kick infertility’s ass. That’s no longer intimidated by doctors, blood {ok still a little with blood} or injections.

Maybe I am no longer a half-full person. Infertility has me half-empty, but I’m trying to fill back up.

I’m considering this my second Infertile Friday. Feel free to leave a comment with a link to your own infertile thoughts/vent/update post. Or leave a comment supporting those of us battling that infertile beast.