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Grieving

I was reading Dr Luke’s book a little more this past week & something I’ve been mulling over, feelings I’ve been pushing down, were mentioned. Mentioned as being absolutely normal. She said the feelings post-hearing “its triplets” mimic the grieving process {you know, shock, denial, anxiety, acceptance}.

Y’all know we are thrilled, oh so thrilled about our babies on the way. I think we’ve both gone through those range of emotions & gotten to the other side. The acceptance side. But I have been grieving the loss of a few things & experiences I will now never have. Some of these might seem silly or selfish, but it’s what I’ve been working through. I want to remember what I was feeling & I’m guessing I’m not the first or the last multiple-mom-to-be to feel this way.

Most recently, especially while reading the chapter on delivering triplets, I’m feeling sad that I will never go through vaginal birth. Y’all know my crunchy side keeps growing. I’ve always wanted to vaginally deliver my future children. After see Ricki Lake at BlogHer & watching the Business of Being Born, I feel even more strongly about it. Home birth. That’s a little more crunchy than I could go but hospital vag birth with hopefully minimal drugs, that was my plan/dream/hope. Until I heard the word triplets. So now I’m getting more & more used to the word C-section. I know its completely best for our situation & that really all that matters is that our babies come out quickly & safely.

We aren’t rolling around in money. Never have & certainly won’t be anytime soon. But as DINKS, we’ve been able to afford most of what we want when we want it, especially since we both love sales & finding a good deal on high quality items. Since hearing & processing the word “triplets”, we’ve both noted that our spending priorities will {& already has} changed.

My husband is selling the track car he bought & fixed up earlier this year. It won’t fit our growing family & it’s payments & insurance are higher than we need to incur. He’s also been selling off his video game collection & accessories of it that he knows he won’t have as much time for once the trips arrive.

As for me, my shopping “needs” have gotten a kick in the butt. I’m so thankful that friends passed down a bunch of maternity clothes to me. Unlike a lot of my female friends who purchase great quality maternity clothes {read expensive} they will wear through multiple pregnancies, this will be my only pregnancy. While I have bought a few work quality clothes {on sale at Gap or Loft}, I haven’t & don’t see a point in spending a lot of money on things I’ll only wear for 6 months.

Same goes for buying for the babies. While I didn’t imagine my future baby would be decked out in designer latest, I thought I’d probably have a few Lilly outfits for photos. Or splurge on a few baby items. Now I’m focusing on what’s really necessary versus want. We’ve gone with fairly basic Walmart cribs & Target crib sets. The dresser/changing tables are some of the least expensive at Buy Buy Baby & our glider will probably come from Target. While I’ve registered for a few more expensive baby products, I’ve weighed that with how much use we’ll get out of them & how in some areas, price does mean quality.

I’m resigning myself to a future life without the latest designer purse, dress or jewelry. They’re not needed. I’ve actually stopped reading some of the fashion blogs I used to follow & unsubscribed from some stores daily emails. Not necessary or fitting in with my life as a triplet mom.

This will probably end up a two-part post. I’ve word vomited out enough for today, but as our lives & priorities continue to change, I’ll update.

10 comments

  1. LauraC says:

    YES. I did a lot of grieving and it didn’t end with pregnancy. There is the shock when you are pregnant and then it is a bigger shock when the babies arrive. Lots of things – never having a “normal” pregnancy, breastfeeding “failing” with two preemies, never getting to just hang out with one baby without always feeling like there is another baby needing something. And then don’t get me started on NICU grieving.

    Personally I think talking about these openly is very therapeutic, and helps others in a similar situation. Naturally this grief heals, and as the kids age, you reap so many benefits of multiples. My boys are at the age where they will play together for an hour while we do our own thing. And don’t even get me started on how much I have talked about FREE SCHOOL (kindergarten). After 5 years of double day care payments, it has been like a huge raise to not pay for formula, diapers, and day care!

  2. Surf Momma says:

    Suz, I’m a singleton Mom and I understand every word you’re saying here. Everything that could have gone wrong with my pregnancy nearly did. I wasn’t able to enjoy being pregnant, I spent the entire time in worry. And when all was said and done we had a beautiful, healthy boy – we couldn’t ask for more. But I can’t have anymore, I can’t have that beautiful experience without the worry. I had to have the c-section I didn’t want, I watch my friends grow their families knowing I can’t feel those kicks and jabs to the ribs again. I move through baby gear and pass it on as quickly and quietly as possible to dull the sting of it just sitting there, never to be used in my house again. I understand how you feel and I think it’s totally normal. Thank you for sharing.

  3. Katie says:

    Im sure you have Tina of help, but if you need another set of eyes to scan your registry and point out things that aren’t too important, I would be happy to oblige!!!
    I imagine accepting triplets is quite a feat! You can do it though, I just know it! Your heart is so big needed three babies to love!!!

  4. Katie says:

    Tons. Not Tina. Idk who that is lol

  5. I would definitely take Katie up on her offer of scanning your registry. We registered for so many things that we thought we needed (because everyone else told us we needed them) that we ended up not using at all.

  6. Emilee says:

    I too know about grieving but not for the multiples. After 5yrs, you know this pregnancy is so so wanted – yet everyday I am overwhelmed with sickness that I cannot enjoy it at all!

    We know this is our only pregnancy too and it is just flying by.

    One thing I’ll suggest from feedback I’ve been given is regardless of whether it’s free, cheap or a little more pricey – be sure you love your glider as you will spend A LOT of time in it both now and as the babies grow up and want to be read to. I think that is probably going to be our splurge item.

    Love you!

  7. Melissa says:

    I really liked your blog today. It is an important step every mom must take (not just multiple moms). And that step is realizing that while you are going to be a mom…you are still a woman. A woman who can be be a little sad about not having the life she had pre-baby(ies). The key is to do what you have done. Grieve for it and move on. Just know you aren’t alone. Everyone has felt this way at some point. 🙂

  8. Melissa says:

    You are so well balanced!! These decisions now will help once the babies are born….not as much of a shock to the system.
    I got a used glider for $25 online and washed the cushions, works great, maybe look on your local craigslist? and btw, we still use it, so plan for 3 years on that piece of furniture.
    I hear you on cute dresses, etc. Hopefully grandmas can spoil them!

  9. Crysi says:

    I had a singleton & then twins 2 year later. When the doctor came in & said we were most likely having twins, I admit I wasn’t happy. It truly was a grieving process which I’m still dealing with. having multiples isn’t easy & I knew the difference after already having 1. I knew I wouldn’t be able to give them the same attention was my oldest or buy the same things and I knew my oldest would be missing out too. It’s tough, I’m still accepting it, but having multiples is special too. It’s a whole different experience & I wouldn’t change my girls now. (I might have answered differently a year or 2 ago). It’s tough, but you can’t have rainbows without rain.

  10. […] shared about being thankful to friends & family, how I was eating for four, my 18 week update, grieving life as I knew it based on ‘triplets’, & a few days of sickness {that ended up timing exactly when the ultrasound tech said baby B […]

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