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Same but Different Loss

I watched it. I didn’t mean to, yet I did & I knew I couldn’t not watch. Yet I realized I wasn’t, I’m not, strong enough to watch it home alone (I turned it on while husband was around Saturday). It’s too close to home. Probably was way

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too close. & yet, in some ways so different.

I’m talking about last week’s episode of 19 Kids & Counting. Your thoughts & mine on the Duggers in general don’t really matter for the sake of this. I DVR the show because I find their family & lifestyle so fascinating. I remember hearing Michelle had miscarried her 20th child last Dec, but I also think I half blocked it out during my first trimester triplet high.

I didn’t know the details. I didn’t realize that they too went as an excited couple to their 18 week, gender reveal appointment. They too had told everyone (in their case, really everyone) they were expecting & thus had tons of family & friends awaiting great news that afternoon. They too were shocked & saddened beyond what they could’ve imagined by what they saw or, in our cases, didn’t see on that ultrasound. I’ll admit that the Oprah ugly cry occurred through almost the whole show. I was brought back to that Jan 31st day I can’t forget. Watching them break the news to their children tore me up.

But here’s where our experiences separate. While we carried on with a somewhat different but still healthy pregnancy, Michelle didn’t. That makes our grief in the passing, joy in the brief life & how we’ve dealt with the losses different too.

As this pregnancy winds down, I’m thrilled, elated even, that we’ll sooner than later be bringing home (God willing) two babies. That’s what we have & are focusing on. But the impending birth also means we will meet what’s left of Baby B soon too. This week, we’ve discussed this & plan to discuss it further with our doctor next week. We’re not sure our plans. One thing I know from this experience, is that it has bonded me even closer to my husband. And for that, I’m so grateful.

Post written post-midnight Sunday when I couldn’t sleep. I’m learning it’s better to type out these feelings than let them linger inside.

4 comments

  1. Stephanie says:

    I cannot even imagine going through what you have gone through AND then watching that show. I don’t follow the show, but I can imagine it hard to watch. Hang in there lady, you are doing a great job. I’m glad to hear that it has made your marriage stronger and not weakened it, that says a lot! 🙂 Sending lots and lots of prayers to you and your babies.

  2. Brandy says:

    This must have been such an emotional pregnancy for you. I absolutely know how bonded we feel to our babies when we’re pregnant. I know those two little babies will be bundles of joy for you as soon as they arrive, and they’ll be so thankful God blessed them with a mother like you!

  3. MomEinstein says:

    Oh, honey. I have no idea what you’re going through, but I just want you to know that I think you’re amazing. And that whatever you two decide to do is right and don’t let anyone make you feel that it’s not. I am so sorry about Baby B. I think about you guys all the time and how strong you are for A & C. ((hugs))

  4. beth dotson says:

    God bless you and Jason. My heart hurts every time I think about Baby B. You will always love and remember that baby girl. I know it’s not easy. I just thank God that y’all have each other, and these little ones are so lucky to have you as parents. Love you.

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