I watched it. I didn’t mean to, yet I did & I knew I couldn’t not watch. Yet I realized I wasn’t, I’m not, strong enough to watch it home alone (I turned it on while husband was around Saturday). It’s too close to home. Probably was way
too close. & yet, in some ways so different.

I’m talking about last week’s episode of 19 Kids & Counting. Your thoughts & mine on the Duggers in general don’t really matter for the sake of this. I DVR the show because I find their family & lifestyle so fascinating. I remember hearing Michelle had miscarried her 20th child last Dec, but I also think I half blocked it out during my first trimester triplet high.

I didn’t know the details. I didn’t realize that they too went as an excited couple to their 18 week, gender reveal appointment. They too had told everyone (in their case, really everyone) they were expecting & thus had tons of family & friends awaiting great news that afternoon. They too were shocked & saddened beyond what they could’ve imagined by what they saw or, in our cases, didn’t see on that ultrasound. I’ll admit that the Oprah ugly cry occurred through almost the whole show. I was brought back to that Jan 31st day I can’t forget. Watching them break the news to their children tore me up.

But here’s where our experiences separate. While we carried on with a somewhat different but still healthy pregnancy, Michelle didn’t. That makes our grief in the passing, joy in the brief life & how we’ve dealt with the losses different too.

As this pregnancy winds down, I’m thrilled, elated even, that we’ll sooner than later be bringing home (God willing) two babies. That’s what we have & are focusing on. But the impending birth also means we will meet what’s left of Baby B soon too. This week, we’ve discussed this & plan to discuss it further with our doctor next week. We’re not sure our plans. One thing I know from this experience, is that it has bonded me even closer to my husband. And for that, I’m so grateful.

Post written post-midnight Sunday when I couldn’t sleep. I’m learning it’s better to type out these feelings than let them linger inside.