Braver Than I Ever Thought

This post follows up well to yesterday’s I’ll never post. Because I truly thought I’d never have to do all the crazy, scary, way-out-of-my-comfort-zone things I’ve been since being “infertile”.

I’d have thought, I’ll never be able to do seven days straight of giving myself injections. I hate needles. But I’m happy with the effects they have on fighting infertility & I have the shot pin points to show I’ve done them each day this past week.

I’ll never be able or have to give blood multiple days in a week. I was scared, & I have the triple bruises to prove I survived.

I’ll never be able to grow six follicles {two to three of which we’re thinking are now mature}. Yep, did that & bloated enough to show.

I’ll never have to have an IUI.Yet here we are, on the afternoon before our first IUI.

What am I feeling? I don’t know. A million things ~ excited, nervous, happy, relieved, overwhelmed, a little scared of the unknown, scared of possible pain, scared of it not working, scared it works too well. And at the same time, I feel nothing~ too much in the zone or in a blur just trying to take it all in. All at once.

My parents are on their way into town for the NCSU football game tomorrow. {Jason has to go straight to work after he does his part, so Mom might also go with me tomorrow in case I’m too crampy to drive home.} So right now, I’m thinking about the vacuuming & cat litter clean-up that must be done. Sometimes, distraction from the serious, major, easy to over-think-&-be-overwhelmed-by topics is a very peaceful feeling.

What have you done that’s braver/stronger/more than you ever imagined you could do?

How awesome would this be if this is one of my last Infertile Friday posts?! That’s in my wildest, most lovely dreams.

I’ll Never…

A popular drinking game in my high school & college crowds was “Never Have I Ever”. Someone would say a phrase beginning with “never have I ever” & if you’d done that, then you drank. Example: never have I ever kissed a boy. Simple, easy & fun. Usually led to lots of laughs, stories told & tipsy friends.

My “never have I ever” list now is much the same, yet there’s so much different or maybe just different priorities. Now I think my social circle talks in Never Will I Ever…spank, bottle/formula/breast feed, EBF, co-sleep, daycare, public school, home school, cloth diaper. That list can go on & on.

Using reusable pads aka Momma Cloth would’ve been on my list as recently as the beginning of this summer. It’s not something I would have bought. I think I might have even skipped over a few of my friend Sally’s blog giveaways for it thinking, “gross” or “how weird”.

But {you knew that was coming right}, some Charlie Bananas & a Willow Pads reusable cloth pads were included with the rest of the green swag from the Haute Green party while I was in San Diego. That night as I was ruffling through the bag, I brushed them off. Sunday morning as I was packing, I pulled them out of the box & actually felt them~ soft, fluffy, & with super cute pink/blue fabric backings. After {TMI alert} leaking through undies due to progesterone supps all that week, I realized instead of liners that I’d trash {& forgot to pack to BlogHer} or having to change undies frequently, I could just try momma cloth.

So for the TTW portion of my next cycle, I slept wearing Charlie Banana pads. No leaks, no mess. Their comfort & softness make up for any bulk they might add.  I haven’t worn them to work but did one Saturday with a skirt/jeans & didn’t feel like anyone could tell. They washed easily in my normal laundry & in time, I’d imagine they’d also wash well in a cloth diaper load. Admittedly, I haven’t been brave enough to rock them during my period, but I can see my “Never Will I Ever” stance cracking there too.

What’s on your “never have I ever list”? What’s something that was on that list that’s changed recently?

Edit: Since I originally wrote this about a month ago, I tried sleeping in cloth while AF was in town. It was different & a tiny bit messy, but the pad came out clean in the wash & was more comfortable than a heavy tampon. Also, Charlie Bananas & Willow Pads have not sponsored me {beyond that they sponsored the Haute Green party}. I’m pretty sure they don’t even know who I am & don’t know about this post. My opinions are uninfluenced & all my own.

IF Fatty Dress Help

My brother’s wedding is 10/22. Like three weeks away. I can’t wait to witness the wedding of such a great couple. I know it’ll be a great time celebrating with family & friends for that whole long weekend. I’m honestly so excited!

When I think of weddings, one of my first thought is outfit ~ particularly dresses. I purchased this Adrianna Papell dress {in a latte brown color} a couple month ago as my bridesmaids dress. Love it & it’s happily checked off my to-do list.

What I’m worried a little about though is a rehearsal dinner dress. What do I wear?!

A combination of stress, laziness, work travel & summer weather has me feeling chubbier than ever. I know there are some people who react & combat stress like infertility by losing their appetite or working out. Not me ~ not even a little. I find solace in comfort food & desserts & alcohol. True story. Need a happy hour friend? A buddy to grab fro-yo with? Call/text/tweet me. I had a great walking buddy in A before she moved {miss you friend} & have been chatting about walking with other friends {but we haven’t, yet}.

Back to the dresses, the rehearsal will take place at the hotel where ceremony & reception are being held. The rehearsal dinner is at the historic & kinda funky The Old City Bar. I’ve purchased three dresses as options for this night. Since it’s late in October, I want 3/4-long sleeves, but since it’s not a super dressy crowd & location, I’m thinking shorter dress & probably no tights. Not sure shoes yet. I’d love your honest opinions. {Some times I really miss living with 40 girls in my Chi O sorority house. It made getting ready so easy & fun!}

Option one: Lilly Pulitzer Shauna Tunic in Turquoise Optical Confusion. My good buddy B picked this up for me at this spring’s Warehouse Sale. It’s a little tight in the tummy/hips, but with shape-wear, I think it would look ok. {I might be a little uncomfortable/not able to pee though.} I think it’s dressy enough but not overly dressy. I wonder if it’s too wild, but I do like bright & my other choices are also busy prints.

Option two: Boden Brighton Dress in Navy Eclipse. I purchased this one during their mid-season sale this week & it will hopefully arrive early next week. I think this cut will be very flattering for me, but I’m hoping it’s not too boobalious. I’m kinda in-between sizes for Boden. The last dress I bought from there I went up in size & it’s kinda big {I was being optimistic that’d I’d be knocked up wearing it last winter, not so much}.

Option three: Boden Ruched Waist Jersey Dress in Blues Dizzy Spot. This one was also purchased during the sale & on it’s way to me. I went up in size for this one since the reviews mentioned it fitting a little small. I love the details on the neckline & empired-waist. I think the 3/4 sleeves will work well in whatever’s the weather inside or out. Word on the street is that we’ll be hitting up a few Richmond bars after the rehearsal dinner so that comes into play with my dress decision too.

I bought the two dress from Boden planning to return one, but there is also a cocktail party Thursday night given by my soon-to-be SIL’s aunt & uncle. So, if both Boden dresses work for me, I could definitely wear one of them to that pre-pre-wedding party.

Which one is your favorite? What would you suggest for shoes & jewelry for each dress? Too late for open toed shoes in Oct in VA? Too early for boots?

{fatty update} I remembered this week that I’d purchased 4 Pure Barre classes with a living social deal in July, & I sweated & jiggled through the first class tonight. I really enjoyed it even though it made me realize all the flexibility I’ve lost since last time I was at a barre 11 years ago. I plan to go back a few times next week & maybe even purchase a few more sessions.

Not affiliate links. Sadly, Boden & Lilly Pulitzer don’t know who I am.

Happy Friday?!

I was hoping I could write a happy Infertile Friday post today. Not in a “I’m pregnant” kind of happy. That’d be ecstatic happy. I was hoping for normal happy.

And now as I type this with a strong cocktail in hand, I’m happy. I’m surrounded by my parents & aunt, & tonight I will enjoy good home cooked food for the first time in five days.

But this week was another crazy one working hours away from home in the claims department. Eleven hour days filled with phone calls, check folding, writing, file organizing, & excel spreadsheet entry.

I left work at 315p ready to fight the rain for 3 hours on my way up to Richmond. Five minutes later, I’m crying as I walk embarrassed back in the office letting them know I just crashed the company car into a brick column. It’s just a sort of small horizontal dent in the back bumper only. I’m not hurt. It’s not that big of a deal. But it still sucks. And since I didn’t have cell service at all I couldn’t even call my supervisor or bosses to let them know. The managers of the claims office took photos & were going to email them to my manager.

I’m spent just typing this. And I’ve got nothing to say on the infertility front. Since my cervix dilation, I have had a lot more CM which is an awesome sign. But my being away from home & husband for two weeks means pretty much no likelihood of pregnancy this cycle. But I’ve been so busy I haven’t really had time to think about it & I’ve really been okay. So long story short. I’m okay. My company car is kinda okay. And I’m off to have another drink. Happy Infertile Friday y’all.



This past week I’ve been 99% unplugged. I was in Edenton, NC & spent 11 hours a day in the claims office & the other time at a local B&B. Nice people. Pretty historic district. Some good restaurants. No cell service with my provider.

I could go a few miles south to a restaurant to have it, but where I was all week: nothing. There was a bit of WiFi at the B&B but only if I was in the other part of the place or a certain middle spot on the bed. So without my control, I took a week off from twitter, my google reader, & blogging here too. I’m going to try to play catch up before I head back there Monday morning.

So thanks to Irene, I’ll have two weeks unplugged from city life. From normal day-to-day life. From 4G internet. From Moe kitty. And from Husband. And thus, from TTC.

We decided we’d just let or not let things happen on our own this month. No crazy old wives tales & no meds. I chose to make these work travel plans around future RE appointments realizing that meant that I was probably ovulating in a B&B in Eastern NC alone yesterday. Here’s hoping the $$ I make helping out is enough for a IUI cycle or two or that this weekend home does the trick. 😉

Another Infertile Friday. Hope your week was filled with hope & happiness. Sometimes a week unplugged can do that for you.

That Green Monster

That green monster called Jealousy has been rearing it’s evil head pretty frequently for me. I hate it. But I’m going to let it all out here to share exactly how I’m feeling. {I tend to feel better after a good vent, don’t you?!}

Three babies were recently born who’s moms conceived after we started trying. Actually they found out when we started going to the RE in February. So happy for my friends, & yet disappointed & jealous for us.

I find myself looking at cute pregnant women & thinking “why her & not me?”. We’re surrounded by them & more than a handful of babies in our NCSU season ticket seats. I will be drinking at those home games.

I get jealous walking past maternity/baby stores & hate I can’t go in there yet {for myself}.

My first thought when I hear someone’s pregnant is typically a cuss word {take your pick which one} then very quickly followed by sincere happiness & congrats to them. I hate that it’s not immediately the happy. I do find that if they’ve been trying “a while” or have been through IF, I’m immediately excited. But I know it should just be immediately excited no matter what they’ve experienced.

I dreamed {nightmared?!} Tuesday night that 3 good IRL friends {I’m looking at you B, K & C} brought HPTs to my house & all announced they were pregnant at once. They weren’t even TTC & bam all three at once. I was so jealous/mad/horrified. I woke up freaked out.

I have had two friends say to me recently that they’ve been “afraid” or “hate to tell me” now about their own or other women we know’s pregnancy. I hate that. I hate that I come with an infertility warning label now.

I’m jealous of women who aren’t thinking constantly about TTC, who either thoughtlessly get knocked up or it happens with little thought/effort. After my doctor dilated my cervix Tuesday {so painful I cried} to prepare for an IUI, we learned we’d been benched from meds & the procedure for this cycle due to another cyst. I still find myself watching for CM or thinking about fertile days.

A friend recently said she went through these same feelings while they were dealing with IF & prayer helped her get through it. I purchased a Christian infertility book recently to see if that would help. I plan to take it with me on my upcoming trips to see if it helps center & calm me & that Jealousy monster. What other tips for keeping jealousy at bay can you offer?

This is yet another Infertile Friday post. Feel free to link up if you have an Infertile post of your own. Or leave a comment to share the love.