Putting it All on the Table

I’m taking a deep breath & opening up today. I’m admitting that I’m struggling a bit. I’m having a harder time than I’d like to believe. Is it delayed PPD/PPA {don’t think so}, just rage, loneliness or my newborn rose colored glasses wearing off?

Conversations more often than we like start & end between the husband & I with sarcasm, tension & defensiveness. Even silly non-essential ones. Our guest bedroom has been used more than I’d like to admit due to sickness {the real kind & the sick-of-each-other kind} in the weeks since his CA trip.

I’m less than okay with the entire paragraph above. But I’m not sure where to go or what to do about it. We have different parenting styles but that usually works out- I’m laid back, he can be a worrying helicopter. We level each other out in that department.

I know I’m partly to blame for all the rage that spouts out when things aren’t going my way or aren’t going as planned. I’ve always been someone who likes to be in control.

I strongly dislike sickness & sleepless nights. By now, I should be used to them. I don’t do well on little sleep or when hungry. I’ve also found I don’t like having to be a nag or repeat myself for things to get done. I also don’t do well cooped up inside for an entire day.

Week before last, Lucy had a stomach bug & J started getting a man cold. Man cold got worse with added sore throat last week. Dr said not strep Thurs. Add in temps over 101 all weekend for him & both Lucy & Zach not sleeping through the night all week. Oh & throw in a blister/crack on my nipple that causes me to yelp upon any contact to it aka nursing or pumping. Mix that all together & you have a houseful of tired, grumpy adults & kiddos making a great recipe for a rainbow, joy-filled weekend {insert sarcasm}.

The blister makes me want to throw in the towel on pumping/nursing. But it’s the only thing that gets them back to sleep {sorta} quickly in the middle of the night. What do parents who don’t nurse do? Heat bottles? Rock/walk babes back to sleep? We’re only planning to keep up the formula/breast milk for another month, so I’ll need to figure this out too.

I posted before on co-sleeping & how we like it. Now I’m starting to resent it. I don’t resent the extra cuddles, but I can’t say I love sharing my pillow or getting kicked in my sore boob all night. Or that Z hasn’t wanted to nap in his own crib anymore & both fight like hell sometimes in the middle of the night. Plus, it’s another excuse why husband & I aren’t co-sleeping: our bed full of babies so he escapes to guest room. Or we separate bedrooms each with an overtired, fussy kid hoping it buys us an hour of sleep.

We had a break with family help just two weekends ago at the beach. It was a good weekend besides me raging a bit over a lost Lucy beach hat & MIA beach quilt {both eventually discovered}.

I often feel like I’m on my own even though I know I’m not. I know & appreciate the fact that my husband & family are way more involved than so many other multi-mommas have it. That said, I still often feel like I’d love to run away. Like I need a break more than anything else even though I get one while at work & escaped to a beautiful baby shower Sat morning. And when I am away from them, I miss my babies & husband something fierce. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to have conversation not about them {maybe also why I feel out of the loop with my friends?!}

It doesn’t help that a baby or husband being sick or out of town has stopped me from being able to attend the last few girls’ night gatherings I’ve been included on. Maybe I wouldn’t be furiously typing this if I’d had a place to share my feelings over margaritas.

I don’t want a divorce or broken family. My husband is the best daddy, & I think J is ridiculously handsome & don’t want to be having disagreements with anyone else. I don’t want to run away or be away from Z & L for long.

I do want fun, family days- trips to the beach without stress & tension, afternoons at the park or just on the back deck with their baby pool & water table. I’d like a date night with hand holding & eating baby-free. A girls’ night {or dare I wildly dream, weekend} where I don’t have to worry about my three at home. Am I crazy? Am I asking too much?

Family, no need to worry & call. I’m okay. We’re okay. Just needed to vent & get this off my chest. I already feel better just from online support.

Jury Duty

In 31 years, I’d never received a certain piece of mail. A jury duty summons. Until about a month ago. Honestly, I laughed when I got it. I tweeted & was assured as a nursing/pumping working mom, I’d easily get out of it. I threw May 13th jury duty on my work calendar & kinda forgot about it.

Until last Friday afternoon when I called the jury duty line & heard my juror number was one of the ones who had to report to the courthouse at 830a. I {still laughing} told my boss I’d be in late & left my desk as is at 5p.

When I arrived at Wake Co courthouse Monday morning, I told the jury clerk I needed to pump {& that my 11 mo old was throwing up}. She said {nicely} sorry your son’s sick & let me know when you need to pump as my office/copy room is also the pump room. So much for quickly & easily escaping my civil service.

Thankfully I’d brought a book {Defending Jacob which will have it’s own post soon} & I spent from 830-11a reading surrounded by 198 others in slightly comfy chairs. At 11, she called out 44 names to report to a courtroom needing a jury. Mine was called. I texted the husband who was home taking care of sick Zach that I wouldn’t be home soon but would be in touch.

As our elevator got off on the 3rd floor & I read that was the criminal courtrooms, I got a little nervous. Then we filed in & the judge advised us potential jurors that this was a first degree murder trial with media coverage {I wasn’t familiar with the 2 year old crime} & I got more nervous.

From here on, I received a lesson in jury selection as done by the NC court system. Twelve potential jurors were called up, interviewed individually & as a group & dismissed by either the DA or the defense attorney. After jurors were dismissed, at random, those of us remaining in the pews were called. My name continued to not be called Monday & since the selection wasn’t complete at 5p, I had to report back to the courthouse Tues morning.

Tuesday was more of the same, sitting in a wooden bench with knots in my stomach waiting to be called. I was unsure whether or not I wanted to hear my name. If I did, I could {finally} tell them I was a nursing mom who needed to pump more often than the 930a & 2p that I did Monday & hopefully be let go. If I never did, I’d be dismissed once all parties were satisfied with the jury. The latter is what finally happened Tuesday around lunch time.

I left downtown with a sigh of relief, a lot more knowledge & respect for our court system, & knowing they’ll be a $32 check for my two days coming soon. And knowing I can’t be called upon to serve again for two years.

Any of y’all had jury duty?

On the verge of One

How is it April?! How is it that I have to answer 10.5 months when people ask how old Lucy & Zach are?! How is it that I’m on the verge of having to start calling them ‘toddlers’ versus ‘babies’?!

Where has this year gone?

I find myself spending more time than I care to admit re-reading my posts from last April and last May. They’re full of hope & joy & bittersweetness. It seems like so long ago & yet not long ago at all that my old life ended & really, my life began.

I’m so thankful {again} for my lil place online & that I had the forethought to type out my thoughts on my pregnancy, bed rest & birth experiences. So many details I’ll never forget, so many have been lost to pregnancy- then mommy-brain.

I’m both in denial & almost ready for my two babies to turn one. To check off that we not only survived but thrived through our first year together.

Yet I still haven’t really planned their first birthday party{s}. There are dates set though. First the weekend before their big day we’re going to get together with some close friends. Theme, food, party accessories are all TBD {where is a cleaning service & Suzanne when I need her?!}. The Sunday before their birthday we’re having one year photos made. I can’t wait to have photos of them at this age & to see how they do trying birthday cake!

The day of, we have their 12 month doctor visit & I’m considering taking the rest of the day off to just hug on them {but daycare does their own lil party on birthdays & I don’t want them to miss out}.

The weekend after their birthday is Memorial Day weekend. Yay for always having a beach bound holiday to celebrate on! {I planned that. Ok, more like Zach planned that}. We are having a big family get together at OIB to both celebrate their first year & also to have them baptized that Sunday morning on the beach by the minister who married us. It’s going to be a special family weekend.

My musing over O.N.E. aren’t over just yet. Still six weeks to go. I’m holding tight to each.

Badges of Honor

I had a breakfast mid-morning meeting & was getting together college friends for an after work happy hour last Thursday. I wanted to look nice for the day. So I got dressed in pants, heels & my nursing tank. I waited until after Zach & Lucy’s diaper & outfit changes & nursing sessions were complete before throwing on my sweater. But then, while bending down to get them ready to go into their car seats, both crawled over & grabbed me at the shoulders. As I pulled both in for hugs & kisses, I felt it. The dampness on my shoulders. I was marked.

I had ‘Mommy shoulders’. At that point, I had two options: change clothes & be late to work trying to figure out a new cute outfit, or two, wear my sweater anyways. I sighed & laughed & went with option two. Hoping my curly hair worn down & a fun grey necklace would take the spotlight.

My ‘Mommy shoulders’ are my current badges of honor. Proof that my struggles with infertility are over. Proof that all the hard work of TTC & a multiples pregnancy were worth it. I have babies that love & adore me as much as I do them. And if that means I go to work & sneak out to meet friends with drool on my sleeves & not my snot on my shoulders so be it. I wear them with laughter, love & pride.

TV Addict

Current shows I wish I had time for: Scandal. Smash. Parenthood. Glee {since there are 5 episodes on my DVR}. Modern Family. Betty White’s Off her Rockers {there’s 9 of those on our DVR}. Downton Abbey.

Shows I’m embarrassed I make time for: Teen Mom 2 & random others on MTV. American Idol. Grey’s Anatomy. Real World/Road Rules challenges.

Shows I make time for & then get scared & question my addiction {also see: shows the husband loves}: Walking Dead. Justified. Arrow. Homeland. Revolution. Sons of Anarchy. True Blood. Falling Skies.

Shows I watch because I still love reality TV: Amazing Race. Survivor {even though I’m way behind this season}. The Biggest Loser.

Shows Husband likes that I try to miss: all the ESPN ones except for 30 on 30. Sparticus.

Shows we watch too: How I Met Your Mother. Suits. Burn Notice. Covert Affairs. Royal Pains.

What’s your current TV obsession? What {else} am I missing out on?