Tag: infertile friday

Some days, IF, my cycle, where I am in my cycle are all I want to talk about. with anyone & everyone. Other days, like yesterday, I left our follow up appointment & didn’t want to over-share. Not at first. Not with everyone or anyone. I told coworkers who asked, especially the one who’s been through IF too. I texted a few friends. But after working two hours later than normal, by the time my mom called at 7p, I was over talking. {It’s also sorta weird to tell your mom about husband’s buddies being turkey bastered into you in a couple of weeks.}

So instead of doing much talking last night, I cooked dinner: chicken & potatoes. The chicken I topped with a tbsp of mayo, pizza herbs & parmesan cheese. The new potatoes I quartered, layered in a pan, topped with garlic, red pepper, & those same pizza seasonings as well as EVOO. I cooked both on 375 for 40 minutes. Delicious with large glass of wine & so easy.

Then I read some more of Waiting for Daisy. While Peggy Orenstein & her husband have a different IF experience than us, it’s so nice to read I’m not alone with so many of my feelings.

Tomorrow’s the first NCSU football game. While it’ll be “nice” that since the beta was negative {& AF showed up today}, I’ll be able to enjoy the wine mixer we purchased months ago for this occasion. I’m also sad. Sad that I’ll be able to drink this football season. And that I have to once again talk about IF. Or not talk. Because who knows, tomorrow, I might want to verbal vomit IF all day, or just a little, or I just might want to brush off all conversations about it. I never know. And if I don’t know, I’m sure my friends don’t know what to say either.

My thoughts for others with friends going through IF; let your friend take the lead about talking. Or not talking. But please don’t not talk or ask either. Because IF can be so isolating. Just letting them know you’re acknowledging it sometimes can mean so much.

This rambling circle of a post is my Infertile Friday. If you’ve had your own thoughts rambling around this week {infertility or other ones}, let me know I’m not alone. I appreciate it.

I was told by one of my colleagues the other week that he felt like I saw things in a “glass half empty” way. I was shocked, but I was able to laugh it off at the moment explaining that, as someone who accesses risk, I had to monitor & weigh the bad along with the good.

But he got me thinking {clearly since two weeks later that comment’s still on my mind}. I’ve changed in the last year or so {22 cycles to be specific}. I’m not longer the happy-go-lucky girl who believed all the best.

I try to force myself into thinking postively. But now it’s a little forced instead of being my natural reaction. No longer do I believe that if you want something, it’ll happen & quickly.

I’m more cynical. I catch myself throwing out debby downer comments. I scoff under-my-breath at work as coworkers complain about their un-planned children. This was not the norm for the Suz of a year or so ago. I miss her but yet feel like I have to come to terms with the current me. The one that’s trying to kick infertility’s ass. That’s no longer intimidated by doctors, blood {ok still a little with blood} or injections.

Maybe I am no longer a half-full person. Infertility has me half-empty, but I’m trying to fill back up.

I’m considering this my second Infertile Friday. Feel free to leave a comment with a link to your own infertile thoughts/vent/update post. Or leave a comment supporting those of us battling that infertile beast.

Every night I think through my day to unwind right before I fall asleep. Thursday night, I wrote two blog posts in my head. Good ones; they were witty, entertaining, deep & even a little TMI about TTC {at least I thought they were}. I *almost* jumped up to write them down. Instead I rolled over & fell asleep. I woke up Friday morning refreshed, but my mind was blank. Those witty posts poof; gone. But I still feel like this needs to be said. To be remembered by me & to let others TTC know they aren’t alone. Mom & Dad, if you’ve stumbled back here, stop reading.

Long time readers of a certain friend of mine will remember a guest post by our friend Jenny aka the Oral Goddess. I read the post. Tongue in cheek. Admiring her willingness to not only do that frequently but also admit it & put it out there. But all the while, thinking to myself, that’s not me. Not us. At least not anymore. I kinda felt like that bedroom action was done or, like late night pizza & drunk dials, a kinda fun but rare occurrence for my 28 year old self.

Then we started TTC. And all my thoughts, plans, lofty ideas about “normal” soon went out the window. Months & cycles went by & we were still not pregnant. Our normal wasn’t working & I was willing to try *just about* everything. Which included digging deep into my seventeen-year-old-self’s Cosmo knowledge. You remember reading that right? & laughing with friends at the beach while reading articles about positions & tips & tricks that you didn’t really think people did.

Six months into trying to conceive, I was frustrated & tired. So I tried something a few of those different things & it worked. Hands, tongues, removing all married-people-don’t-do-that’s from my psyche, & pulling out the honeymoon {one size too small} lingerie, & TTC became a little more fun.

Close to a year later, the routine is killing us both. Add to that uncomfort & even pain on my part, thanks to the increased fertility meds, & TTC is much less fun & much more like our second jobs. What Jenny did {does?!}, that I kinda scoffed at, that type of performance occurs multiple times during TTC week in our house & is now our normal. But we try to have fun. & relax because, you know, that’s all it takes right?! And certain fairly tame swag that should & does make me blush a little, just might help & be my new favorite {thanks, A for picking up an extra one & sharing}.

I was told at my cycle day 10 appointment that this sixth medicated cycle will probably be the last before we add in procedures like IUIs or IVF. Both mean conception most likely occurs outside of the bedroom & with a high $$$ price. So this weekend, I’m going to try to enjoy our new normal & then let nature & God take over. What’s a better place for inception to really happen than right before attending a baby shower right?!

I’ve been thinking that I’d love a place {outside of those message boards} to connect & vent & relate to others TTC, battling infertility, or who’ve come through it with a babe in tow. I’m thinking of making fridays Infertile Fridays around here. Feel free to link up in the comments anything that might help me or others struggling through TTC.