Category: Trying To Conceive

When it comes to TTC for me, no news hasn’t been good news. As I’d thought, our benched cycle was a bust.

Cycle 18 caught me off guard. I was so focused on my upcoming work trip, I’d lost count & ended up having to go to the RE a little early. Day 1 & my taking Femara began while I was out if town.

My day 12 appointment was last Saturday morning. Since I’ve spoken of “wandy” a few times, before the ultrasound tech came in, I snapped this cell phone pic of the machine I deal with twice a cycle. [flickr id=”5816834297″ thumbnail=”medium” overlay=”true” size=”medium” group=”” align=”center”] Even though one of the cysts was still hanging out, a follicle had matured behind it! I did the Ovidrel shot around noon before we went to the wedding. Cue whirlwind weekend of fun events with timed I thrown in-between.

Now I’m in the dreaded two week wait. I’m happy to have fun plans like last nights bloggy ladies dinner last night at Vivace & a girls beach weekend starting tomorrow to distract me. Doing the math, it seems like I’ll find out if this is our cycle on father’s day. How special could that be for husband?!

{Remember that HS {mid-late 90s I guess} phrase. Gosh that was over used. Moving on.}

I hadn’t spoken much about this cycle. It was very similar to my first medicated cycle { followed by Ovridril & bloating}. This time the 36 hour mark, fell in the middle of Kelly’s party. For maybe one of the first times ever for me, we left early. Not for being sick or other plans. No for sex.

I’d hoped it’d be worth it. Based on last month’s short LP, I added progesterone suppositories beginning three days after Ovridril {so Monday night for me}. I’d been warned they were messy. Yep, very. But I hoped they too would be worth it if they lengthened my cycle enough for pregnancy.

I spotted 8dpo {hello implantation spotting I thought!} then felt pretty nauseated the following day {morning sickness maybe?!}. My fingers & toes were crossed. My temps were staying up. Wednesday {11dpo}, I got a negative hpt then started spotting. I called the doctor to make baseline U/S appointment thinking it was day 1. I was sad, angry, & disappointed. I let myself have those feelings. Then I moved on to feeling hopeful for cycle 17 {my favorite number} & glad that the extra drugs that lengthened my LP.

The U/S showed stuff on my left ovary {same one with the huge follicle a couple weeks ago}. The nurse said it could be cyst{s} or the remaining of the egg. Lots of lining there so she sent me to lab for pregnancy bloodwork as well as estrogen level check. I was told after lunch I’d know if I was pregnant or had cyst. Continued praying.

My doctor himself called me at 10a {bless him for not making me wait any longer}. He advised I wasn’t pregnant & that my estrogen level was so high that it was definitely cysts. Those damn cysts meant we couldn’t start a medicated cycle . So I’m at busted. Cycle 17 {that lucky number?} busted. Dr P said we could try on our own, using OPKs & the progesterone. I don’t have much faith it’ll work & at least today am wishing this cycle away so we can move on.

Guess this is in line with Happy Infertility Awareness Week y’all.

As I was writing my drugs post, I’d written this on the end. Then I kept writing & realized it as a post of its own.

I’m not one to hide. I talk through my feelings & fears. IF is kinda different. It’s weird to have all most of your private bedroom events on a chart. It’s weird for people to know you’re having sex with a purpose. But I get comfort in talking about it. For a while, I’ve felt like I have an online IF self {probably the real me} then a “normal” life me. The two Suz’s are merging & I like it.

I’ve been “coming out” as an infertile in the last weeks. I told my small group a couple weeks ago. It was so refreshing. They were so supportive.

I posted this on Facebook Thursday night. “Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience. April is Infertility Awareness Month. Whether a friend, a family member, a colleague or yourself has fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of couples are fighting day in and day out. Post this as your status if you or someone you know has struggled at a chance to be a parent.” 10+ likes later from all kinds of women in my life. Ones I had no idea had been impacted by IF. Yep, coming out feels good.

I told my boss on Tuesday. She thought I was coming to tell her I was pregnant. #fail But she was really sweet & understanding and asked me how I was doing after the appointment Wednesday. I’m glad she knows.

I’m pretty to very close with my parents. I’ve filled my parents, especially my mom, in on the steps of our TTC. But since we’ve been going to the RE, she hasn’t asked too many questions. If you know my inquisitive mom, then you’d know that’s weird. It’d made me almost uncomfortable. Well last night we talked for a while & she asked all the right questions & said all the right things. It was like this invisible weight that I didn’t really know was there has been lifted with her words. Conversations ending with “I love you & I’m praying for you” really mean so much.

IF sucks. I really wish we weren’t going through this. BUT I’ve learned a lot about myself. Just how much I can handle then add more, I got it. Friends have stepped up {& stepped out about their own IF}. Coming out is good.