Tag: infertility

That should be the theme for the last twenty TTC cycles: expect the unexpected {yes, I’m borrowing Big Brother’s theme & don’t hate, there’s not much on TV in the summer}.

I’m not trying to sound pretentious when I say that things have typically come pretty easy for me. When I’ve wanted something, with a little hard work, I usually have gotten it. Of course I’ve had ups & downs & the usual drama of life, but over all I know {& appreciate} that I’ve had it good. HS, sports, college, husband, work, friends; yep, all there.  Based on that & our genetic history, I went into TTC thinking this would follow the trend & be fun & quick & easy with just a little work. Not so much. If I’ve learned anything in these twenty cycles it’s that I’m not in charge, I’ve gotta be patient, & I’ve gotta throw my expectations out the window.

I like being in charge. I like knowing what’s next. I hate surprises {take note bc the big 3-0 is coming soon}. I love making plans & lists & filling in a calendar. All of these things do not go well with TTC & infertility. Infertility means never being in charge. Your body & God are making all the moves. I’m just trying to keep up.

Within the last couple of weeks, I’ve found myself getting snappy at work. Annoyed with any interruptions; even the normal this-is-part-of-my-job interruptions have made me lose patience & get frustrated. I know this has nothing to do with the agents that are calling me or the coworkers talking about their children. It’s me. Wanting what I don’t have & losing patience that it’s not ours right.now. I’ve been going to God recently for patience. {I promise I’m not trying to turn this into an annoyingly religious rant} but just a quick {inside my head} shout out for patience calms me. That & a glass of wine once I’m home at night.

I expected we’d have a baby by now. Hell, I even though we’d have a toddler by now. Instead this morning, after a weekend of follistim injections, I had my cycle day 10 ultrasound. Last cycle, at this same day’s ultrasound, I had six visible follicles, did one more night of follistim along with antagon then ovidrel the following night. I was expecting something similar. Instead this morning’s US found I had one really big follicle {22.5} as well as one smaller one {14} on my right side & nothing on my left. The tech said ovridrel tonight & ovulation Wednesday morning. The antagon I spent $50 on last week is not being used. The extra 600 IUs of follistim I expected to need {& that cost $100} sit unopened in my frig. I don’t need them for this cycle, but I’m holding on to both for now. Thinking, hoping, praying I won’t need them next month but who knows. I’m learning to expect the unexpected.

I want to start off saying that we are lucky. My work-provided insurance does not exclude infertility doctor appointments or medicines.

But I want to remember what we are going through in order to make our future baby, so I thought I’d do a quick rundown of cycle costs. At the beginning of the year, I set aside $1200 pre-tax to be taken out of my bi-weekly paychecks for a FSA. I was planning that we’d either use it for IF or child birth as well as the usual stuff like dentist & regular doctor appts.

Our copay for appointments {of any length or kind from U/S to meeting with Dr P} is $50. This 19th cycle I’ve been three times {baseline US, follow up with Dr P & today’s US}. I was planning that they’d be a second monitoring appt but I’ve grown enough follicles quick enough to not warrant extra days. So total of $150 {the injectibles class was $55 so I guess actual total is $205}.

I also have a copay for medicines but Medco is kinda tricky. It’s cool with normal copays at regular pharmacy twice per medicine. So first two times I picked up Ovidrel {medicated cycles 2 & 3 bc got it free from friend 1st time- thanks N}, it had a $50 copay. This time I had to order it straight from Medco {at $82} to avoid it jumping to $100 copay from CVS. I ordered the second one needed for this cycle from a local specialty pharmacy & it cost $50. {total $132 for cycle 4}

Femara {10 tiny pills} is $20 at normal pharmacy. I got it twice at CVS for $20 then filled it last time while I was working in Forest City & it was also $20. This time from Medco shipped to my door, it was $10. {total cycle 4 $10}

My progesterone supps {15 bullet shaped things} have to be from a specialty pharmacy. The first time I used them {medicated cycle 2}, I bought them from local BR Pharmacy & they were $45. I heard they were cheaper elsewhere, so I ordered them from the office recommended online pharmacy for cycle 3. They were $30 & I still have some of these left. A friend that moved away had some left from her recently failed cycle so she gave those to me {thanks A}, so I’m not having to pay anything for this medicine this cycle. {cycle 4 $0}

I found another local specialty pharmacy for the Follistim last Friday afternoon. They gave me the Follistim pen, medicine, needles, a Sharps container, band-aids & alcohol wipes, & the pen container for it all for $100. I thought my highest copay was $50 but since it’s just used for infertility this might explain the higher copay. {cycle 4 $100}

Another awesome friend had some of the Antagon leftover from her IF cycles. She’s now pregnant & they are close to expiring so she passed them on to me {thanks M}. I found out today that I will only need one of these which usually cost $83. {cycle 4 total $0}

That means my total medicine cost of $242 this cycle & full cost with appts is $447. {Antagon not pictured}

We used up the last of the $1200 last Friday so I’ve paid $100 out of pocket this week. Hopefully we won’t have further medicate cycles, but if we do, they will also be paid out of pocket {even more motivation for this one to be the one that WORKS!}.

I would be remiss if I didn’t also mention emotion costs {stress, loneliness, 10 pounds of emotional eating} as well as social costs. That’s probably another post for another time but I will say this. I’m a social person. That I left my really good friend’s 30th b-day party early to have TI & that cycle didn’t work. I hate that. That we’re no longer going to OIB over this July 4th weekend {first time not being there since I was in elementary school} so we can stay home & do shots & have sex; that sucks.

Bottom line: I’m hoping these costs are more than worth it in the long run.

Last night when I was almost sleep, I wrote a post in my head. It was eloquent. My thoughts were clear & focused. I should’ve gotten up & written it down. I didn’t, so instead I’m word vomiting it out.

After three failed medicated cycles, our RE office suggests meeting with your doctor to discuss future options. During my baseline US appointment Monday, I took the only follow up appointment spot Dr P. had available which was for Friday at 10:45a. Jason’s training at work for a new position {yay!} but thus couldn’t come with me to the appt {boo!}.

I became pretty nervous right before hand realizing this was kinda a big deal. I reached out to my tweeps for support {& they e-rallied around me}. With sweaty palms, I met with Dr P. We discussed my continued short LP & decided I’d do another Ovidrel injection to fake my body out & keep my HCG levels up for a little longer. I will continue the progesterone supps as well for LP support.

Dr P said we could also try what he called “sequential cycle” starting like now. This means adding Follistim injections after I take the Femara in hopes that I will grow multiple follicles for more potential eggs. More eggs=more for buddies to find=better chance for fertilization! I will also be adding the Antagon shot which will prevent premature ovulation.

Since there are more/new injections, my practice requires taking a class. Dr P got me into the Follistim class yesterday afternoon. So I went back to work & then out to lunch with two work friends including a IF warrior-friend Brooke who’s been through the sequential cycle & ended up with her daughter E {she helped pump me full of excitement & hope}. I arrived for the class & was thrilled to see it was being taught by one of my favorite nurses. I learned how to work the Follistim pen {I hope as I will start it Sun night}. The three other woman in the class were beginning their first medicated cycles with injectibles having never done any of the meds or US at our practice.

I’ve never really felt like I’m an IF leader {heck, I’m just getting used to the IF label applying to me}. I guess after 19 cycles, I should own up to the fact that I have been through a lot & learned some things in the process. Through questions & comments in class, the others figured out that I’d done Femara/Ovidrel cycles & while the nurse was faxing over our prescriptions, they asked me questions. I gave them a heads up that Ovidrel doesn’t hurt, but it does make me so bloated that I recommended wearing loose dresses the days after. I also said that Progesterone sticks around with me making a mess all day & makes me cry at every.little.thing.

I realized maybe a do know some things. Maybe I can help others. Maybe I should be using this little blog to spread the word that infertility sucks {am I doing that?}. That speaking out about my infertility is all at the same time nerve-racking, empowering, embarrassing, & humbling, but it could help others struggling trying to get pregnant know they’re not alone or let people know how to support their TTC friends.

With my head exploding a little on the inside, I had to go back to work & finish my day. Then I raced up to North Raleigh to a specialty pharmacy to pick up the Follistim since I need it before a mail order one could get it to me. I got there right before they closed, was loaded up with all the stuff, & then headed home to tell Jason about it all. Both maybe a little overwhelmed, we had a chill Friday night at home & I decompressed a little watching TV. Now after a great night of sleep & a day of funny Nextflix movie watching with the husband, I’m full of hope for this cycle & ready to step it up.

When it comes to TTC for me, no news hasn’t been good news. As I’d thought, our benched cycle was a bust.

Cycle 18 caught me off guard. I was so focused on my upcoming work trip, I’d lost count & ended up having to go to the RE a little early. Day 1 & my taking Femara began while I was out if town.

My day 12 appointment was last Saturday morning. Since I’ve spoken of “wandy” a few times, before the ultrasound tech came in, I snapped this cell phone pic of the machine I deal with twice a cycle. [flickr id=”5816834297″ thumbnail=”medium” overlay=”true” size=”medium” group=”” align=”center”] Even though one of the cysts was still hanging out, a follicle had matured behind it! I did the Ovidrel shot around noon before we went to the wedding. Cue whirlwind weekend of fun events with timed I thrown in-between.

Now I’m in the dreaded two week wait. I’m happy to have fun plans like last nights bloggy ladies dinner last night at Vivace & a girls beach weekend starting tomorrow to distract me. Doing the math, it seems like I’ll find out if this is our cycle on father’s day. How special could that be for husband?!